Harry, United States (he/him)
“I’m starting to actually see me becoming what my brain has known I should be.”
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
It’s complicated and I often don’t think about it because I wish I figured it out in a more “normal” way. In November, ~5 months before my 13th birthday, I realized I liked women. And naturally, I found communities online of other LGBT people. April of the following year, my friend came out as a trans guy (has since realized she isn’t, so I will be using she/her), and I offered to buy her a binder. It got me thinking about myself, and how I felt. I tried binding and was surprised at how it made me feel. But I didn’t really try it again, until my brain’s gears really started turning, and had me realize I actually was dysphoric. At this point I identified as non-binary because I didn’t pick up on the other parts of my dysphoria, and I still dressed in and bought women’s clothes because I liked the patterns and such. But that slowly changed. November of the same year, I went to Florida and packed my suitcase such that one side had feminine clothes, while the other side had masculine clothes. That entire trip, I only wore stuff from the masculine side. It eventually hit me, that I didn’t want to be neutral, I wanted to be a guy. And I have to admit that was really scary, because suddenly part of who I thought myself to be actually wasn’t the case. It took time, but by the end of that trip, I had fully accepted and adjusted mentally to it, and had one of the most intense phantom sensations I’ve had to this date. It felt like I actually had “male” genitals and it caught me off guard. Since then, my dysphoria only got worse. I think the reason I didn’t notice my dysphoria sooner is because my brain had a hard time picking up on those feelings because it hadn’t known anything different, until puberty hit which is when I had my first signs, but wrote it off as normal.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
When we got home from that trip, I made my mom finally get my intake appointment booked with the local children’s hospital, which I had to wait 8 months for. In that time, I cut my hair, decided Ezra was too cringe of a name (no shade if your name is Ezra, it would just be cringe if I used it on me), and picked one that was inspired by my birthname. Something like 3 years later, on August 29th, I started HRT. Exactly one month earlier, my name was legally changed. I am now 3 weeks on testosterone.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
It’s helped me more than I can put into words. I’m still early on, but I’m starting to actually see me becoming what my brain has known I should be, and it’s really a good mental boost when I’m going through a separate life event that is making it hard to do what I need to do for school.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
I would say you are right to hold out hope. My parents were accepting, but really struggled with feeling alone in their experience, and had no one to talk to who was also a parent of a trans kid. My therapist insisted that my parents were a lost cause and that I should accept the fact I would have to wait till I was 18. But I was right. My mom going and finding a PFLAG group (Parents and friends of LGBT people) she really liked was key to having her become comfortable with me starting HRT, and is why I’m probably still kicking around today. My (wonderful) therapist is still shocked that their minds changed, but I’m not as much.
Also, don’t treat the discovery of who you are as just “oh yeah this is who I am now”, and never formally come out to your parents. I hated coming out as bisexual (I identify as straight currently because I have a strong preference for women), so I didn’t want to do it again. It’s uncomfortable as hell, but fuck, you can write a letter. Leave it where they will see it. It makes life much easier because my parents had no clue exactly how I identified until I had that first appointment at the clinic.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
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Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.