Francis, Germany (he/him)

“When I look into the mirror, I actually recognise the person looking back at me.”

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I never really "identified" as a girl. I was told by people around me that I was a girl and that this was an indisputable fact, like my date of birth or my eye colour, something inherent to me that couldn't be changed. So as a child I never questioned that label being applied to me even though I also never felt like it fit me.

I was very much "not like the other girls". I wore clothes from the boy's section, preferred toy cars over dolls and played soccer. While I did get the occasional surprised or mean comment on not fitting gender roles, the people closest to me never made me feel like there was any contradiction between my preferences and my gender. My mother is and always has been more stereotypically masculine and never tried to enforce gender roles on my sibling or me. My older sibling, who was also assigned female at birth and living as a girl at that time, had the same interests I did. My best friend in elementary school, who was assigned female at birth and living as a girl at that time, had the same interests I did. So I simply accepted that I was a girl with atypical interests and didn't think about it any further. What gender I was labeled as didn't really affect me so I didn't pay it any mind. (Fun fact: Both my sibling and my best friend from elementary school have since come out as transmasc.)

When puberty came around, things got more difficult. Girls my age started being interested in shopping and make-up and looking pretty, while I started being interested in hiding as much of my body as possible and becoming invisible. At the time I didn't realise that this was gender dysphoria. I thought I hated my body because of my weight, and I hated my long hair because it was too curly when I wanted it to be straight. I started wearing oversized t-shirts and hoodies to hide the shape of my body and a cap to cover my hair.

Because middle school is all about being popular and fitting in, my lack of femininity made me a target for bullies. Even the unpopular girls that were willing to hang out with me seemed to aspire to be feminine and pretty, which made me feel very alienated and misunderstood. It didn't help that I also developed depression and social anxiety around that time.

The first time I was ever confronted with the idea that I didn't have to be a girl was in the girl's locker room before PE, when one of the popular girls told me that I could get surgery to turn me into a guy, and another one chimed in to confirm that doctors could take skin from my leg and turn it into a penis. Since these girls were not my friends and I knew they frequently talked shit about me being my back, I wrote this off as an attempt to mock me for being too masculine and didn't think about it further.

In the summer after middle school, I took my mother's advice and got a short haircut. She noticed how much I hated my hair, and she herself chopped off her long hair when she was a teenager and never grew it out again, so she suggested it might work for me too. And what do you know, the new haircut instantly fixed all my problems with the way my hair looked.

Around the same time, I discovered that I'm capable of being attracted to people of all genders and started identifying as queer. I learned more about LGBTQ+ topics and what being trans is. I still didn't realise it could apply to me, but I remember thinking that while I support trans women, I couldn't comprehend that being a woman is something people could actually want and enjoy. I thought that if I was born male, I would love that and never want to change. In hindsight, that should've been an obvious sign, but at the time I didn't make the connection.

The second time I was confronted with the idea that I didn't have to be a girl was when my therapist, whom I was seeing for my depression and social anxiety, asked me if I could be trans. I denied it and the topic was dropped.

When I was 16, I went to psychiatry for ten weeks, and I got a really short haircut right before I went. While I was hanging out with another patient, someone "confused" me for a boy, and the other patient jokingly gave me a nickname that was basically just the masculine version of my name. I liked it and I went by that nickname while I was in psychiatry. During that time, there was also another instance of a stranger referring to me as "young man", which I realised I enjoyed.

After this, I finally began to question my gender. I knew that I didn't feel like the label "girl" fit me, but I also didn't know what did fit me. I did research about trans people, took "am I trans?"-quizzes, but I never came to a satisfying conclusion. I thought I couldn't be a trans man because I didn't feel distressed enough about being a "girl" and there should've been more obvious signs. I tried out different non-binary labels, but none of them seemed right and I was just left feeling confused. I couldn't find anything that accurately captured my experience of gender.

Then, I joined a small Tumblr community and got closer to one of the members, who was a trans man. I felt inspired by him and made a new blog where I called myself a trans man and listed my pronouns as he/him, just to see how it felt. And I realised that it felt right. That this was actually what I had been looking for all this time.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

The first significant change for me was cutting my hair short, even before I knew I was trans. After I figured it out, I first came out to the community on Tumblr and shortly afterwards to my older sibling, who I knew supported trans rights. They accepted me immediately. I also came out in other online communities and to my closest friends at school, and bought a binder. Officially coming out to my parents was a big step, because while they were always fairly progressive, they weren't knowledgeable about LGBTQ+ topics. Fortunately they were accepting, especially my mum, who made an effort to educate herself on trans people and actively support me in my transition. Slowly, I came out to other family members as well as my therapist, who helped me get an official diagnosis so I could physically transition. I also ordered an "Ergänzungsausweis". I never officially came out at school, but in my last year of high school, I went to my teacher and requested my new name be put on my graduation certificate, which was accepted without problems. After finishing high school, I started to live as a man in all areas of my life.

My social transition went very smoothly, but I was frustrated with how much time the legal and medical transition was taking, and all the burocratic hoops I had to jump through. My physical dysphoria felt unbearable at times. When I was seventeen, I gained access to testosterone illegally through a trans man I knew who accidentally got prescribed too much. I managed to use one vial before my mum discovered my stash and forbid me for taking any more, as it could get me into legal trouble and might even prevent me from getting testosterone prescribed legally. I applied for a name and gender change and was rejected because the mandatory waiting period of three years hadn't passed yet.

At eighteen, I finally got an official prescription for testosterone. My name and gender change went through when I was twenty. A few months after that, I got top surgery.

Not long before my 23rd birthday, I stopped taking testosterone due to experiencing male pattern baldness.

I plan on getting a hysterectomy soon, and after that, I will be officially "done" with transition. Bottom surgery was never something I was interested in, since I never had much bottom dysphoria to begin with and the effects of testosterone were enough for me to be happy with my genitals.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

It would be hard to overstate how much more comfortable I am with my life and body after transitioning.

When I was fourteen, I hated everything about my body. I wouldn't have been able to name one thing about my appearance that I liked. I never truly realised the extent of my dysphoria and how much it actually impacted me until after I began to transition. I was so used to the distress and disconnect I felt that I perceived it as normal.

My body now feels like it is actually mine. When I look into the mirror, I actually recognise the person looking back at me. Even on days when I don't like my appearance because my hair won't sit right or I haven't shaved in too long, it isn't a big deal, it doesn't make me feel awful or like I need to hide because I can't stand the thought of people seeing me. Wearing short pants and clothing that fits doesn't make me want to die anymore. I can see my naked body without feeling disgusting. I'm not constantly anxious about how people might perceive me based on the way I look. I was even able to go swimming in a public pool and enjoy the experience, which would've been utterly impossible for me before top surgery. The first time I wore a t-shirt after top surgery, I just felt free, because for the first time in years I wasn't constantly conscious of my chest, didn't feel the need to check if my binder was making me look flat enough, and wasn't worried about other people being able to see that I have breasts.

I also feel much more comfortable with femininity now. While I like masculinity, I also like femininity, I just didn't realise it because looking more girly worsened my dysphoria. Now that I pass as male effortlessly, I can enjoy wearing feminine clothing and make-up because it doesn't make me look like a woman.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I would tell myself to stop taking testosterone a year earlier. I already got all the changes I wanted from testosterone in the first three years, and afterwards I only continued to prevent any of the effects from reversing. I never wanted to look super masculine because I'm a twink at heart, but I was afraid I wouldn't pass anymore or my dysphoria would come back. Neither of that has happened yet. I still look like a man and so far the only real negative effect is that I need to take birth control now to suppress my period. My facial hair growth has slowed down a bit, which is convenient because I never wanted a beard and shaving is quite annoying. My fat distribution is reversing back to feminine and it makes me look younger, which I also enjoy. My main insecurity about my appearance is still the hair loss, and if I had stopped testosterone a bit sooner, it would be much less noticeable.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

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Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.