Max, United Kingdom (he/him)
“There is no one way to be trans. Transition, whatever that looks like to you, is a gift. You are allowed to change, and change again, gender and sexuality can be fluid."
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
The pivotal moment for me was in 2009, I was 17 and shortly about to leave for university in another city. There was an ongoing discomfort in me that I couldn't put my finger on, it was like trying to catch wisps of smoke. I had a MySpace friend from California, and her boyfriend wrote a blog post about being a trans man, and it felt like a sucker-punch to the stomach. I can't describe the physical and mental impact of that epiphany for me, it was exciting to think that this could work out for me, but it also terrified me.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
I came out to my Dad not long after, told him I was exploring my gender identity, saved up some money and asked him to order my first chest binder from Underworks. Getting it on was a struggle, but getting it off again was even worse, but wearing it brought a peace within me that I'd never known before. I knew this felt right but I was so scared of changing and so scared of the impact it would have on my family.
I researched all that I could about being "FTM" - there wasn't much online in terms of resources, but a I found a message board and some regular YouTubers and I consumed all I could. I spent my university days experimenting with my presentation and daydreaming about the day I had a beard, but I couldn't take the plunge, I was still terrified. There was also some ongoing family issues that affected how much I felt I could say - I didn't want the attention to be on me.
I boxed my gender identity back up once I returned home and tried to repress it all because I didn't think I was strong enough to go through it and feared the impact it would have on my family. I felt guilty of depriving them of a daughter. It was 6 years since my first realisation that I took the steps to get referred to a GIC for top surgery, and another 3 years after that before I made peace with starting testosterone. I am now 6 years on T and 5 post-top. Currently awaiting lower surgery and hysto and debating the benefits of a GRC.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Without a doubt. Starting testosterone felt like a veil had lifted and I had clarity in my life like never before. I had energy, I saw colour in my life, my mood swings subsided and as my body changed it felt like coming home to myself. Since top surgery I've worked to repair my relationship with my body and the damage I had done to it — it's got me through everything and I am now fuelling it and celebrating it as it deserves. Being in the gym is another form of gender-affirming care that I didn't think I'd ever have the confidence to pursue, but I love how it feels and how I'm able to shape my vessel.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
I would have wanted to trust my gut feeling more and start the process sooner. The thought of depriving myself of this peace and contentedness for so long is gutting. I would also have chosen the name I really wanted for myself instead of compromising with what I felt would make my family most comfortable.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
Trans people are resilient and we have so much strength in our community. Be kind to each other, support each other. There is no one way to be trans. Transition, whatever that looks like to you, is a gift. You are allowed to change, and change again, gender and sexuality can be fluid.
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.