A, Belgium (he/she)

“Being trans can be hard at times, but if you are, then pretending to not be it is much harder."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I first realised I was genderfluid at age 12 I think after thing about it in the bath for about 30 minutes because I'd just learned what trans people were and I figure if gender≠sex I should probably check my gender. I then proceeded to remember that since my second-oldest half sibling came out my parents were wildly transphobic and I figured decided that 'if I'm a girl 50% of the time and a guy for the other 50%, that’s enough to just keep pretending to be a girl for the rest of my life'.

Younger me was a little foolish sometimes, so 6 years and way too much puberty later when I started going to university where I began questioning again. It was the first time I'd seen so many (other) trans people in my life and for some reason that made me uncomfortable, which really scared me. Most of my childhood friends identified as trans at the time (my parents did not know), half of my OCs were trans and I read a very cisgender amount of trans fanfic on ao3, so I was really frightened that my parent's transphobia might have finally rubbed off on me. tldr: I was jealous that they were happy and out and I very much wasn't.

As the year progressed, dysphoria was mounting and I was acting so little like myself talking to people felt like I acting out lines I'd memorized for a character in a film. Started properly questioning again around easter (ironic egg motif) and cracked on the 21st of April with the exact same result so last time; bigenderfluid, 50% of the time a girl, 50% of the time a guy.

Didn't tell anyone and only came out over the summer though, knew parents were the TERFy flavor of transphobic still (they've gotten less now) but I still wanted my family to be the first to know. Whilst transphobic, they are good and very loving in all other regards, so I figure they'd probably still love me but not really believe or respect I was trans (I was right, though they have come a round a bit more that I expected them too. Don't have to hear my mum read out here latest twitter post about bathrooms at least.). Also I really couldn't stand pretending to be cis any longer. I came out to my sister first who depressingly does seem to have absorbed my parent's POV. Came out to my parents a few days after and already said how that went above.

I've mostly socially transitioned now, but I haven't really come out to anyone else because it's awkward and I've never had good experiences with it. I want to come out to to my second oldest sibling, but they have narcissistic tendencies so that's complicated territory.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

Clothing:
I had 0 trousers before I came out as bottom dysphoria caused me to wear skirts exclusively as from about 10 ('can't get dysphoric about seeing my lower body if I can't see my lower body B] ' type of logic), so I came out to my parents before I started presenting other than a femboy. Currently I own a total of 1 pair of men's trousers that I wear 50% of the time, a binder that I secretly purchased when I got back to university (apparently I'm 'not allowed to do that' till I'm financially independent but idc) and I pack using socks (24/7 basically, I get dysphoria over that regardless of gender). When I'm a girl I've just kept wearing the stuff I already own. Like a decent amount of it, just don't like that people would assume I'm a girl or feminine if I wore it whilst I was I guy; it's all skirts and dresses but the most masculine skirt or dresses I could find, if that isn't an oxymoron. Which it shouldn't be imo, bring back roman fashion.

Hair:
Had extremely long hair for the last 10 years and I still do. Probably does not help with me passing but idk why, there are hardly any people with knee length hair traipsing around, it's so uncommon for a person to have why would you assume their gender from it?? I know a lot of trans guys cut their hair when they start transitioning. Long hair is very much me though and it's about the only thing I consistently like about my body, so I'll take the passing debuff for having an aspect of my appearance I actually like.

Body:
Not on T at the moment but thinking a lot about it. Genderfluidity is hard when it comes to making permanent changes. Am interested in bottom surgery in the distant future

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

In my body undoubtedly yes. Sadly people though so I'm not necessarily feeling more comfortable in life, but that’s due to their blatant ignoring of changes rather than the changes themselves.

Dysphoria? Still an asshole, but the more I look like myself, the less it kicks my ass.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I wish I could tell my younger self that she didn't have to hide this or that he could have been the whole person he was, but my family was not trans friendly. I don't think I'd have ever gotten what support I needed.

And to have to live through the changes puberty caused to my body whilst actively knowing what I felt about them? I don't know if I could have taken that then, it's hard enough to take now with all that's happened to it.

By the gods I wish I could have done anything better but I can't see a path I could have taken that would have been an improvement. Maybe I could have said something to my friends, over half of them identified as trans when I was in high school. But what if my family saw a message about it or something? I'd probably give my younger self a hug.

And then help her cheat on/study for tests and invest in bitcoin or something. If I got the chance to talk to my younger self I would fully use/abuse it to my advantage.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Hope this helps whom ever happens to read it! Being trans can be hard at times, but if you are, then pretending to not be it is much harder. Actually being yourself is amazing and screw every asshole who tries to to take that away from us.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.