Alex, United Kingdom (he/him)
“No one can stop you from doing what you want or need to do to make yourself happy."
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
I was 6 years old, playing outside in the mud with a couple of boy friends. Their mum took us all inside and gave us all a shower. It was at that point that I noticed my body wasn't the same as theirs. Something inside me changed and I could never look at myself the same way again.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
I spent years pretending to myself and others, insisting I was a girl because I was terrified of being different. I was already teased and bullied at school enough. Once I left that environment and had to survive on my own, I suddenly had a lot of time to myself to think about things. I was about 19 when I started to remember things from my early childhood that never made sense. From that point on, I started experimenting with gender, dipping my toes into presenting androgynous, changing the name I'd always hated, before around 23 years old I realised that it was actually my body that was the main problem - I needed above everything to have male characteristics. So I got seen by a gender clinic, and began Testosterone in 2016. It's been far from an easy road that still hasn't completed, but since then I've had top surgery and am now officially referred for phalloplasty to get the penis that I've needed ever since I was young.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
I don't regret anything. It's been tough dealing with mental health as well as being on this road, but I finally feel like I am in a place where I am starting to heal. I have a job for the first time in my life, who have been nothing but supportive. I've been able to go swimming without shame, been able to go to the gym, to go out and socialise with people, to make friends, and just enjoy life. I'm 35 now and when I think about where I was before my transition started, I've come such a long way. It's not over yet, but when that day finally arrives that I can officially call my transition complete, I think it will be the closest thing to achieving inner peace that I can imagine.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
It's not your fault and there's nothing wrong with you. You're not responsible for other's actions. You shouldn't worry about other's opinions. Trust yourself. You are you, and that's okay. Just live your life and let others shout into the ether about how crazy or weird or abnormal or wrong you are. No one can stop you from doing what you want or need to do to make yourself happy.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
I wish for every trans person to be happy. Do what you need to do. Focus on the things that are within your control, because worrying about things that you will never be able to control is like living with a raincloud over you. Take it one step at a time. Rely on your own judgement - don't always look to others to tell you, otherwise it's not your journey. Explore, experiment, change and learn. Stay true to yourself in this mad world. Enjoy life, because someday it'll be over and I want everyone to have no regrets.
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.