Chris, United States (he/they)

“It’s a very strange experience to be in my early 40’s and realize I’m becoming a trans elder, while also still discovering myself."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

As someone born in the 1980’s, there was zero information about being trans, particularly transmasc. I was the stereotypical tomboy and looking back, my gender dysphoria became extreme at the onset of puberty. Without language for what I was feeling, it turned into severe depression, self hatred, and trying for years to perform femininity and fit in, while constantly failing. It wasn’t until I took a Queer Theory class in college that I first heard of a trans man. I had been heavily influenced by radical feminism at that time and, at first, recoiled from transmasculinity as many radical feminists do. A couple of years later, YouTube launched and I was exposed for the first time to seeing transition videos. I was both terrified and absolutely mesmerized. It was clear to me that I was seeing myself reflected back, even though I really struggled to accept it.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

In some ways, my transition has come full circle. As a child, I was most naturally myself and my medical transition has helped me feel more connected to my younger self than I ever thought I could be again. I took transition very slowly and fought against it many times. First, I began dressing male at home alone and binding with an ace bandage. I hid this from anyone in my life. Then I slowly began to dress more masculine in my daily life, while dressing more androgynous but feminine leaning professionally. To everyone else, they just saw me as a lesbian and I continued to try to embrace that identity while presenting my gender differently. When that still didn’t quiet my dysphoria, I bought my first binder and packer. I’ve lost count of how many binders and packers I threw away in a panic, determined I would/could not transition. Fifteen years after learning of the first trans man, a year into the pandemic, I finally stopped fighting and began taking T. In the last almost 4 years, I have gone on to get top surgery and a hysterectomy, as well as legally changing my name and sex.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

In private, absolutely. Unfortunately, as we all know in the U.S., I finally found the courage to transition during the worst anti-trans backlash faced in our lifetime. It’s been extremely difficult, but top surgery helped some of my dysphoria significantly. As has fat redistribution, given that I inherited the dream body for cis women with hips and curves that were the bain of my existence. I live with significant bottom dysphoria and until I’m able to have bottom surgery, I will not have achieved full congruency. I’m finishing the consultation process and expect to get bottom surgery in the next 2-3 years.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I talk to my younger self regularly. I feel so much love and also grief for them. I wish more than anything that I could go back and tell them they’re not crazy or “bad” like they felt inside. I wish they could’ve known there had always been people like them on the earth, some animals, too, and that God made them this way. I know it wouldn’t have taken away all of the bullying and struggle, but they deserved to know they weren’t broken and that science has shown that people like them are born this way.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

It’s a very strange experience to be in my early 40’s and realize I’m becoming a trans elder, while also still discovering myself and going through second puberty. I want younger people to know there are incredible books and resources available to validate our existence historically and help heal some of the trauma we carry. Speaking of trauma, we are the first generation in human history to have access to not only understanding what trauma does to people but the practices and tools available (such as EMDR, somatic healing, etc.) to heal and build more resilience. I cannot encourage everyone enough - particularly trans and non-binary people - to invest in trauma recovery over these next few years. The healing and growth available in it is something that cannot be legislated away and they count on us to stay stuck in survival mode so that we can’t fight back. Healing is an act of resistance.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.