Brook, United States (he/she/they)

“Do what makes you feel like you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯"

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

This is a tricky one. I realized I was queer when I was around 7-8 years old. I remember thinking, "maybe I was born with a boy brain in a girl’s body." I was comfortable with that explanation for awhile. But I lived with a very religious family that went to a catholic church, and I convinced myself that it was a sin to feel how I felt. I decided to repress and ignore any feelings towards girls, and any feelings that I was a boy. Around 14, I felt the crushing weight of societal pressure to conform, ditched all of my masculine clothes and interests, and became fem. And it technically worked. I got more friends, I was allowed onto sports teams (I tried every year in elementary school to get on the boys football team, but every time either my parents or the league wouldn't let me.), middle school boys started talking to me again instead of making fun of me, and overall, everyone was a lot nicer to me.

It wasn't until my 20's that I left the fake persona and started at least dressing masculine again. I came out as a masc lesbian, but it still didn't feel right. I remember my twin sister saying when she came out as a lesbian, it was like everything clicked and the world made sense again. I didn't feel that way until a couple years later when I finally came out as trans. I was about 24 years old.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

When I was younger, I immediately started making changes around 7 years old. I refused to wear anything other than boys branded clothes, I refused to have my hair tied up, and hated anything perceived as "girly." Later on in life, I started making changes to a more masculine look when I turned 22. Then, when I came out as trans at 24 I got, or at least tried to get my first masculine haircut. Unfortunately for the next year I would get horrible pixie/fem short cuts from stylists. Even when I specifically asked them not to. I finally found a queer stylists and booked a "gender affirming cut," and since then I only go to them or barbers. Around 25 I got my first binder.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

I never realized how uncomfortable I truly was until I came out. I just thought everyone felt like that all of the time. But over time, I became more and more comfortable in my body. I still am not completely comfortable as I'm waiting to get top surgery, but I am definitely feeling better than when I was denying who I was.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I would tell my younger self that there's nothing "conformed" about you. You don't have to be someone you're not for people to like you, or be kind to you, or to love you. There's nothing wrong with the way you are, and you'll find the words for it someday.

I do wish I hadn't twisted and modified myself to be something I'm not just so people would treat me with some form of respect.

Do you have a favorite/funny transition moment?

—

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

I'm trans/transmasc/butch/nonbinary/lesbian/queer/asexual with she/they/he pronouns. Use whatever pronouns and labels feel right for you, you don't have to conform to anyone's idea of what is "correct." And it can also all be fluid. Maybe one day you feel one way, and the next you feel another. Do what makes you feel like you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.