Alec, Canada (he/him)

“I feel like I know a lot better who I am now.“

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I realized that I was trans at 33.

First, I attended some training that included topics on gender diversity. I resonated with the material in a curious harmonic but I managed to deny/repress for a further 3-4 months until...

Second, the provincial government announced some horrific future policies targeting trans and non-binary youth. My egg cracked wide open and I had to face my gender identity. It took less than a day for me to start (struggling) to talk about my gender identity as trans.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I started making changes almost immediately. Overwhelmed by gender dysphoria, I decided that I couldn't pretend to be a girl any longer. It took less than a week for me to refuse to wear feminine clothing and just over a week for me to cut off all of my long hair. I socially transitioned from there.

It took 220 days for me to start gender-affirming hormone therapy. It took 251 days for my legal name changed to become official.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

There are complicating variables, due to heartbreak; my long-time beloved broke up with me on Day 101.

These changes have helped me feel more at home in my body. I feel more authentic and genuine. I'm not completely comfortable in my life and body (yet), but that doesn't mean that I am not making progress. I am learning to be kind to myself.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I would express love and care onto the little guy. He needed a lot of things, including acceptance and attention. He was not set up for success.

I have always believed that people are shaped by their experiences. The things that I have gone through and done have helped to shape me into the person I am today. And while there has been hurt and struggle, there's also been joy, love, and achievement. If I had to do things again, there's a lot that would need to be different and I would probably miss out on all of that joy, love, and achievement.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

I feel like I know a lot better who I am now. I know what I value and I am taking active steps to make my body the home that I deserve. I need to be kind to myself; even with the right supports and tools, struggle will always show up in my life.

"In order to heal, we need to be able to hold all of who we are in one image that embraces a widely diverse set of characteristics."

I am working on feeling more safe and secure in my body. It's hard to be in my body. This body's experienced a lot of trauma, pain, fear, loss, and grief. It's never truly felt wanted, even by me (maybe especially by me). I am doing what I can to make my body more homey, to live my life more genuinely.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.