Aaron, Taiwan (he/him)
“I hope someday to let go of being transgender as an identity focus and channel my energy toward other meaningful goals in life."
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
My earliest memories, even before I was three, were of feeling like a boy. Until I was fifteen, I often imagined that I might be intersex, misclassified at birth. I frequently dreamed of waking up as a boy. These thoughts felt strange and awkward back then, so I never dared to share them with anyone.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
In my twenties, I seriously considered transitioning. However, the laws at the time in my country required full penile reconstruction for gender marker changes on official documents, a procedure I couldn’t accept. (Years later, I learned the rules had become less restrictive.) For over a decade, I deliberately pushed away the thought of transitioning, attempting instead to live outwardly as a lesbian. But every few years, I would find myself deeply depressed. When I turned 35, I reached a point where I could no longer ignore these feelings, so I decided to have top surgery. That surgery significantly reduced my body-related anxiety, reigniting my hope to transition fully. Today, I’m 39, just beginning hormone therapy, and have legally changed my name. I’m planning a hysterectomy next year and hope to change my gender before I turn 40 legally.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Looking back, I’m deeply relieved that I decided to start medical treatment. Previously, I felt disconnected from my own body and voice, unable to bear seeing myself in photos or hearing my voice recorded. But now, just ten months on testosterone, I see changes in the mirror that bring me peace as my appearance begins to reflect my inner self. I’m looking to the future with positivity, eagerly waiting for further HRT changes, easing into social transition, and mentally preparing for the challenging genital surgery ahead. The journey has obstacles, but I find meaning in each step because I am finally learning to like myself.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
Each stage brings a pang of regret for not starting sooner. Years of anxiety, shame, and other heavy emotions held me back, isolating me and clouding my outlook on life, leaving me feeling like an outsider in the world. I wish I could tell my younger self not to suppress or deny these feelings so quickly. Still, I’m grateful for the perseverance that carried me through those confusing, turbulent years. Now, I have clear goals and a steady transition plan, and I’m less easily swayed by outside opinions on my journey. Forty years may seem like a long wait, but it’s not too late. I hope someday to let go of being transgender as an identity focus and channel my energy toward other meaningful goals in life.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
The society around me is generally accepting of homosexuality, accustomed to masculine-presenting women or gentle, effeminate men. I’ve always felt comfortable with short hair and wearing men’s clothing without drawing too much attention. Had I not decided to transition, I would likely have continued to be seen as a lesbian and ultimately passed away in a female body. Living that way would feel like a slow, unending pain like being slowly boiled alive.
Having only recently started HRT, my appearance hasn’t changed much yet. When I came out to a few friends, some urged me not to take hormones or undergo bottom surgery, while others struggled to accept my use of prosthetics. These perspectives, though well-meaning, often came from cisgender friends who tried to support my gender identity without truly understanding it. They hoped I could embrace my original body as they saw it. But for me, this body has been like a cage of flesh. Instead, I’d break and rebuild it rather than remain imprisoned until I’m left breathless. Others might find my self-rescue methods unsettling, but ultimately, I am the one who will live in this body for decades. I reject the notion of loving this body as it was; transitioning is a difficult choice but the most profoundly right one I have made.
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.