Caleb, United States (he/him)

“You will find people who love you, and only you can tell you who you are."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I was 13 years old when I finally came out and realized I was trans, but I knew something wasn’t right very early on. I spent hours antagonizing over what the word “girl” meant and why I didn’t feel like one, I wished to be a boy more than anything and didn’t understand why. I saw a trans FTM timeline on youtube and realized that was what I was feeling, and that it was possible to grow up to be a man.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I socially transitioned at 13 without parental support and fought to be recognized as myself for the next 5 years. Despite pushback from nearly everyone I continued to insist I was male and present as male as possible. I cut my hair, dressed masculine, and allowed some natural facial hair to grow. I planned to start HRT when I was 16, but it was banned by a senate bill in my state and I was devastated. At age 18, I finally started testosterone. The first few months were difficult, but after my voice drop and facial hair increase I pass fully as male now.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

I feel so much more comfortable, I spent years waiting and it was agony. I would cry almost every night because I felt like my body was poisoning me and making me look like a stranger. I have finally heard my own voice, seen myself in the mirror, and seen my personality develop. I am much more outgoing and laid back now, my anxiety and depression symptoms are nearly entirely gone now.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

Hang in there! The pain you’re feeling isn’t permanent, and it will make you a stronger person in the end. You aren’t a freak, there is nothing wrong with you, and you will grow up to be the man you feel like on the inside. You are loved. If I had to do anything differently, I would have been less hard on myself. I would have spent less time beating myself up for my inability to transition medically, and stopped blaming myself for the adults in my life not believing me.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

You will find people who love you, and only you can tell you who you are.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.