Charlie, United States (he/they)

“It's nice to just exist as a fruity effeminate dude.”

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I was born in 2004. My childhood gender identity was simply "tomboy," despite my love of skirts, nail polish, and having long dyed hair. I didn't feel dysphoric and distantly considered myself a girl, but for reasons I couldn't work out I preferred to make friends with boys, tried to pee standing up, and felt vaguely excited at the idea of others considering me a boy. I remember once in elementary school a teacher called me "he" as a slip of the tongue - I wondered if she somehow thought I was a boy despite my long pink hair, and excitedly told everyone I was close to about it. Sometimes kids would give me a hard time for my gender non-conformity, asking me "are you a tomboy?" and once when I entered the girls' restroom even "are you sure you're a girl?" from a classmate who knew my AGAB. As far as when I started considering I may be trans - I think my first inklings were when I was about 12, when I was laying in bed at night and was suddenly hit with the realization I would never be a boy and felt deeply sad. In response to that reaction, I thought "wait, am I trans?" and felt terrified by that possibility. I decided that if I was, it didn't matter because I could never risk anyone finding out. I decided I could simply live as a butch lesbian, and that being trans would be a secret I take to the grave. I leaned into the lesbian identity for the next couple years and felt mostly comfortable, but kept feeling confused about my gender identity. I didn't identify with binary trans men or traditional masculinity, but I didn't feel like a cis girl either. I decided I might be nonbinary, and began identifying as such my freshman year of high school. That year I also saw a performance of "They Wonder" by the artist Sarah Hill, which really struck a chord with me and solidified my identification as nonbinary.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

The second semester of freshman year, I asked my two close friends to start using they/them pronouns for me so I could experiment with my gender. I initially planned to try it out for just a week, but ended up never telling them to stop. I kept my birth name because it didn't bother me, and I didn't want my classmates to find out because most of them were very transphobic, and even more so toward nonbinary people. For the next few years, I continued to experiment with my presentation through clothing. My parents are supportive, and bought me my first binder when I was 15. I found self-expression in goth music and fashion - while I didn't identify with traditional masculinity, I was very into the look of more androgynous figures such as Marc Almond and leather-era Martin Gore, and bands like Specimen and Bauhaus. I also liked the look of historical dandies, but being poor I felt goth fashion was more accessible.

My first legal change was when I got my state ID at 16, and asked that my gender marker be "X." I was really nervous to do so, but it was really euphoric. My senior year, my parents helped me legally change my name. We kept my birth name as my middle name because we felt that it would be easier to pretend the name-change wasn't for gender reasons, because we were afraid the court would be transphobic. I'm happy my name is legal, but retrospectively I think we could've changed my middle name as well, and I wish we did. I decided I wanted to start T at 15, but my parents wouldn't let me because they feared social and legal backlash. Arkansas was the first state to introduce an anti-youth HRT law, and even though it was blocked before going into effect it still scared my parents enough to postpone any research into HRT. There weren't many places nearby I could get T anyways, and we didn't have enough money to visit somewhere like Little Rock, which had more informed consent options. I also put off starting T after turning 18 because my previous experiences left me too nervous to openly admit I wanted gender affirming care. I finally started T a little over a year ago, about a month after I turned 19. A 2/3 months after starting T I changed my pronouns to they/he because I realized that while I didn't relate to straight and gender-conforming men, I did relate to queer men and felt comfortable being perceived as one of them. I now identify as a genderqueer, mostly-gay man.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

All of them have been helpful for me. Pre-T, clothing was my biggest source of euphoria, I felt great in platform boots and ties and long coats. It also helped me foster a sense of self-pride even when I was surrounded by transphobes in high school and felt dysphoric and insecure compared to the cis guys around me - sure, they may have had facial hair, but I could dress better than any of the guys around me! Starting T has been a life saver for me. I finally feel like I'm living. Soon after starting, the facial dysmorphia I'd had for years suddenly went away, even before my face started changing. I don't disassociate anymore, and I used to take it for granted that disassociation was my default state of being. I also actually like interacting with people now, when before I hated facing the public because it meant getting misgendered. I'm at an average level of wellbeing now, but the first half a year after starting T were insanely euphoric for me, I felt like I had been reanimated after years of existing as the living dead. I still hope to get top surgery and a hysto, but I rarely feel dysphoric now, though this is partially due to having an unusually small chest that binds very well. I feel so grateful to be able to live and grow into the kind of person I want to be. Things aren't perfect - I still have problems and I'm still impacted by my high school baggage, but I also have the strength to cope with and learn from life's difficulties.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I would tell my teen self the exact date I started T, because I spent 4 years agonizing over when I'd get to start, if I ever did, and the uncertainty tortured me. I would legally change my middle name. I would also tell 13/14 year old me to read more books, to join AP English because all I lacked to succeed in it was the confidence that I could, and to quit marching band and join art club instead. I would tell college freshman me to be more socially confident, but otherwise I think they did pretty good all things considered. I would tell kid me that they're smart and that people like them, and anyone who thinks they're weird isn't worth hanging out with anyways.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

It's kind of weird navigating passing consistently as a guy, after spending so many years as either a masculine girl or a threatening, confusing androgynous creature. Most new people think I'm cis, and chalk up any of my gender "oddities" to me being gay. I like not having gender be the center of my life and the defining factor of how people interact with me, but at the same time I like feeling solidarity with other trans people and I like it when they know I'm trans too. I also don't want to hide my past. But at the same time, I also feel weird about revealing being trans to others, because I don't want them to think of me differently than they did before. It's nice to just exist as a fruity effeminate dude. I like just being a queer guy like any other queer guy. Which is what queer trans guys are, but not everyone views it that way. Being perceived as a queer man now is a strange experience as a whole. I experience homophobia in new ways, ranging from mild (someone stereotyping me as a taylor swift fan) to scary (getting called new slurs). And more positively, I get more nail polish compliments now? (the compliments have a vague "omg, slay!" energy and are typically from women who react to the polish with positive surprise, haha).

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.