Con, United States (he/him)

“One day we get to be free of all of those constraints we thought would be on us forever"

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I knew I didn’t want to be a mom when I was still in preschool. I started asking for a hysterectomy when I was 9 and started my period. I wore the boys’ uniform to my Catholic school. I RPed male characters and wrote about male OCs. All these little, vital pieces and I didn’t realize that I could be not-a-woman until I was 30. I didn’t realize that I’d been dying to be a man until I was 36. I knew a couple of trans boys in my high school back in the aughts. They seemed so mythically different from me, though. They seemed to know who they were when I could only say what I wasn’t. I regret not being more curious and open minded as a kid. I could have saved myself a lot of grief.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I started trying out different pronouns when I played The Arcana. It was the first time I tried they/them. It was liberating to have an interactive fantasy romance in which I didn’t have to picture myself as a woman. A couple years later, I started using my chosen name on my book club’s discord server. None of my friends even blinked. The biggest reaction I got was, “Nice. That suits you.” It was like magic, just being unremarkably me.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

When I came out to my parents, my mom asked me, “Have you never been grateful for your body and proud of what it’s done for you?” I honestly told her, “No,” in that moment. I’m nearing 4 months on testosterone now and everyday feels amazing. It reminds me of when I had sinus surgery in high school. I had all of these polyps in my sinuses that were causing chronic sinus infections and had me missing more school than making. After I had the polyps removed I remember thinking, “Is this how normal people breathe?” That’s how I feel on T. “Is this what normal guys feel like?”

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I’d fucking fight for him. He was young, angry, and scared and he took it on everyone around him while hating himself the entire time. I’d hold him and tell him who we are. That one day we get to be free of all of those constraints we thought would be on us forever. I’d vanish today if it meant young me knew sooner. Got to be himself sooner.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

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Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.