BJ, United States (he/him)

“Every thing that happened: medically, legally, socially just felt like I was chiseling away at a slab of rock and uncovering myself.”

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I knew, from a pretty young age (4-ish?) that I should've been a boy and getting older was a matter of just doing and being what everyone expected of me. Though I got increasingly more uncomfortable and depressed the older I got.

I knew about trans women: that there were people who used to be men who were "turning into" women. But I never really heard about trans men. I do remember thinking "gee, wish I could be a man. But there probably isn't a way to do that."

But, about a month after my 18th birthday, I saw photos of these happy looking men on Tumblr. And I quickly realized, after reading the caption that they were "FTM": female-to-male. The gears began spinning. "Oh my god. You CAN do that. I could do that." There was really no hesitation. I just saw myself, 100%, in that moment.

Well, okay, that's simplifying it. I definitely pushed and prodded myself and questioned that that was the case. But everything finally made sense. Why I felt so disconnected and numb. Why I'd always felt so weird and pained when I'd be called "she" or "lady." Why it felt so good and right when I'd have dreams about having a beard or a penis.

It was the early 2010s. Mainstream society was becoming more and more aware of trans issues. And trans people were beginning to have more of a voice, especially online. But, for the most part, learning what I needed to do to transition was pretty scattershot: random Google searches, random old forums, talking to the right person at the right time.

I began coming out to friends and family near the end of that year. Some took it very well. Others, not so much (though most people in my life did eventually come around).

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I began socially transitioning around the same year I came out to myself: that really just involved having some of my friends and college classmates call me by my chosen name and wearing more masculine clothing. It wasn't universal though. I was often still presenting as feminine when I was around family. Things were a bit tense at home after I came out to my mom: she wasn't on board (though she came around a few years later).

I began living a literal double life. I was in community college and still lived with family. I'd go to school in a blouse and sneak into a restroom to put on a chest binder and flannel. Rinse and repeat, the other way around, when it was time for me to go home.

It took me a few years before I was actually able to start T at the age of 21 and that's also around when I legally changed my name and gender.

After I'd been on T for a couple years, I then had top surgery, followed by a hysterectomy about a year later. Several years after that, I then decided to pursue bottom surgery: metoidioplasty. I had my final stage of that this year.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Oh 100%. Every thing that happened: medically, legally, socially just felt like I was chiseling away at a slab of rock and uncovering myself. I won't deny that there were some really difficult parts of my transition. Like, surgery healing. No one would ever call that fun. Or having to come out to family that didn't know how to accept what I was planning to do.

But all in all, I feel right. I had such bad, crushing dysphoria for years and years and years. And just having the care I needed did a lot not just to feel more comfortable but free up mental space and motivated me to get the rest of my life in order. I finally have a career I love, I'm giving a shit about my own health, and I actually love the person I'm becoming.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

Honestly, younger me was so worried about taking up space in the world or being hurt. For years and years, I was a bit of a shut-in and a loner until I felt more confident and comfortable as my transition progressed. I would tell my younger self this: you deserve to have your needs recognized and met. You deserve exactly the same level of love and care YOU give to other people. And, yes, it was shitty to live with dysphoria but it also didn't make me a less worthy person.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

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Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.