Elliot, United States (he/him)

“One day, all those decisions that felt so heavy will be behind you and will barely cross your mind anymore.”

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

Actually considering the word in relation to myself — age 20 when I learned that top surgery was a thing that a trans person could do. Before that, I knew what transgender meant and even knew some trans people but I don’t think I understood how much one could do to change one's body. The idea that I could be trans was terrifying and overwhelming, but from the second I learned that I could voluntarily get rid of my boobs, I knew I needed to figure out how to do it.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

Top surgery right before my 22nd birthday, still considered myself very much non-binary rather than trans. Started T 3 months later, very nervous and confused about whether I “really needed” it, but once I started, never looked back. Got meta a couple years later, again not sure if I “really needed” it, but it ended up being such a gift to myself. After all that, finally realizing that I probably shouldn’t doubt my instincts so much.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Yes, it just feels natural and normal. I’m in my mid twenties and my hairline is receding, but at the end of the day, I don’t care all that much. The goal was to be the most comfortable version of myself, not the most conventionally attractive.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I’d tell myself not to worry too much about the logic of any of this. Why do I want this? Is it okay for me to want this? How do I know whether this is actually what I’m feeling? Am I allowed to use these words for myself? How will I know if this is right? There are not going to be satisfying answers to those questions. Focus of what feels compelling, regardless of whether it makes sense. If you’ve spent hours and hours researching hormones or surgery or name change, that probably means something, whether or not you can explain why. One day, all those decisions that felt so heavy will be behind you and will barely cross your mind anymore.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

In a lot of ways, I still don’t feel like I can confidently answer the question “are you trans?” For some reason that feels quite nebulous and unknowable to me. What I can say without a doubt is “I’ve transitioned” and that has absolutely been the right path for me.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.