Eli, Germany (they/them)

“I live an unusual life, that doesn't conform to many expectations and I too am happy."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I knew the word transgender and that trans people were people who don't identify with the gender that was assigned to them. I had listened to some transphobia again and was thinking about it and how I didn't think it was wrong to transition in any way or to "identify" as any gender and asked myself what makes us be/have a gender and then noticed that I felt very strongly that I was not a woman and my next thought was that that meant I was trans. I was 15.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I used the word nonbinary for myself then and considered coming out, but decided against it because out of fear of being bullied and ridiculed. I didn't know a lot about medical transition and didn't realize how much medical transitioning would have helped me back then.

I considered coming out for years but decided against it until I had realized medically transitioning would help me a lot and felt I had to come out to a few people to do that. Learning and thinking more about being trans and knowing other trans people also made me feel more comfortable with coming out to some friends, so I also wanted to come out to some people back then.

I used binders and packers and different clothing before coming out.
After coming out to those few people I started HRT. I also got top surgery.

Then I met more amazing people and started feeling better about being trans and less afraid so I told more people and the friends I made and started being more openly trans in safer spaces.

There are still a lot of people I haven't come out to and most of the time I only come out to people in safer spaces or people I trust.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Yes! I feel so much better now. I used to feel bad in my body a lot of the time and dissociated a lot. I can do and enjoy so much more stuff now.
I still feel dysphoria, but it is much better than back then.

I also think it helped me be myself and be more confident.

I was so afraid for a long time and now I have a good life with great friends and feel much better about myself. I didn't really think that was possible a few years ago.

My main motivation for medically transitioning was feeling more comfortable in my body and I expected my body to change in a lot more ways than it did (so far at least) and I expected it would make people see me as a man, which was something that I somewhat wanted (although I'm nonbinary) and feared. That didn't happen, which makes me sad, and also makes me think why did I wait so long to do this in the first place. And it made me learn a lot about gender and internalized transphobia.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I would tell my younger self that there was something that could and would make them feel better about being in their body and how many great things and community I experienced and that there are places where I feel at home.

I lived and live in a transphobic society, I experienced and experience a lot of transphobia. I had to fight a lot of internalized transphobia and fear of transphobia. I would tell myself that it is okay to be trans, 100%, that no matter what I look like, what kind of body I have, what other people perceive me as doesn't change that I am the gender I am. That I don't have to prove anything to anyone. That I am not alone in my experiences and that there are other people like me and people who accept me.

That coming out and being yourself is scary, that yes it does make me more vulnerable, but that it makes a lot of beautiful things possible. Not coming out can also be a good choice, but a lot of the time it didn't save me from being hurt, because hearing transphobia also hurt when I was closeted.

There are people I come out to because I was to afraid who are dead now. I will never know how they would have reacted. I'd love it if they would have accepted and seen me. I never gave us that chance and wonder if I would choose differently now or in the future.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

I used to wonder if transitioning would be worth it if I would never pass and I told myself that would be really really unlikely. I was still afraid of that happening and my belief that I would look like my transition goals motivated me to go for it.

I don't pass at all and how strangers gender me didn't really change. But it was still worth it and I feel so much better now!

I read a lot of "successful" transition stories online about binary men who came out and started HRT and then started passing and going stealth and live a "normal" guy life now. I live an unusual life, that doesn't conform to many expectations and I too am happy. I live surrounded by many people who accept trans people and can see them as the gender they are, no matter what they look like. I wish society in general would too, I wish we were more, but people and spaces like that are out there.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.