George, United Kingdom (he/him)

“It feels like some intangible background screeching has finally been silenced."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I was 25. I found solace in online fiction about M/M gay relationships. They tugged at my heart in a way nothing else did. I had the thought, "what if I'm a gay man?", and then buried it. I was dating a cishet man at the time. There was a lot of fujoshi discourse and I felt guilty for "fetishizing" gay men. Repression had apparently been my tactic for years before and after this.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

When I was almost 30, I was living with queer people after breaking up with my cishet ex. More and more it crept into my mind that this was something I could do and be too. I tried out binding and cried with some emotion I couldn't place. I ended up legally changing my name just before my 30th birthday. I'd chosen it 5 years previously. I started HRT the next year and was extremely lucky in that my parents were able to afford my top surgery operation.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Unequivocally, yes. Even the things I thought I wouldn't want, like a beard. It feels like some intangible background screeching has finally been silenced. I'm no longer constantly aware of the things on my chest. I feel happy every time someone refers to me as male. Now that I "pass" there is an anxiety that has left.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

That it's okay to be different from others. That liking feminine things doesn't make you a woman. That being trans doesn't always feel like "today I'm in a real mood to be a dude" but some lurking background unhappiness that you have to face up to and work through, piece by painful piece. That no relationship is worth not being yourself. That people out there are like you and they love you for just being yourself.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Fuck the Tories, JK Rowling, and every part of UK government that has made life more difficult for trans children and adults in the UK. I know just how lucky I am to have a family that supports me and has financially aided me with medical care the NHS should have provided. I would be dead without them, just another statistic they don't care about in their culture wars.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.