Josh, United Kingdom (he/him)
“Transitioning has enabled me to finally learn to drive, to pursue the jobs I want, to sort out so many hangups, to start dealing with internalised misogyny and recognise people of all genders as the heroes they are."
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
I was raised in a very religious family and hadn't heard of trans men or transmasculinity at all until my mid twenties. I was 31 and married to a straight cis dude, and JKR was just kicking off with all her stuff, so I remember thinking I could never come out to myself, because it would ruin my life. And yet some part of my mind couldn't leave it alone. Finally I admitted it to myself after watching a healthcare video of a day-in-the-life of a trans guy and just feeling so much envy I wept. I made a panicked call to the only trans man I knew, who over two hours gently and patiently encouraged me to consider these feelings and explore what they meant. At no point did he direct me one way or another, but everything he was saying about his own experience made sense to me.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
I came out to myself, then spouse, then immediate family. Then I socially transitioned in increasingly wider circles with name and pronouns. I was already presenting fairly masc so there wasn't that much wardrobe upheaval. There were a lot of intense and complicated conversations with the spouse: 'what does this mean', ‘who are we as a couple now', 'I'm straight, but what's my sexuality if I still love you', 'how do we avoid mixing up our jeans and our socks' (we have not solved the last one). I started pursuing physical transition about a year in and it took about 18 months to get everything in place to start HRT. I'm on T now, have been taking it pretty slow partly because the healthcare system is fairly exhausting to navigate. I don't currently intend to get top surgery: I find it manageable to bind, can't afford to go private, and the NHS waiting list for surgery is circa 29 years at time of writing.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Heck yes. I feel like proper me: transitioning has enabled me to finally learn to drive, to pursue the jobs I want, to sort out so many hangups, to start dealing with internalised misogyny and recognise people of all genders as the heroes they are. I am SO much happier. With the marriage, I'm a walking contradiction (he is still straight, I am still a man) but that's kind of the thing about humanity - the love is real and the rest of the stuff kind of follows along a lot of the time.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
'Hey, trans men are totally a thing and you should look into it.'
I dunno, probably more something like 'you did OK, sport, don't worry, trust your gut. You are not made wrong.'
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
I am constantly learning about living in the half-light, being comfortable with things being true sometimes and not other times, true for me but not for others, vice versa. I partly wanted to share because the trans landscape is shifting so rapidly, and somehow in my mid-thirties I'm sort of one of the older ones maybe? I'm really happy that people 15 years younger than me seem to have so much more knowledge and fearlessness than I did at their age, but I remember it all feeling so intense and high-stakes and I think maybe that experience has not changed for younger people. I want to say, don't be afraid of the half-light or of things changing and contradicting themselves. It's OK to say the wrong thing sometimes. Life can be very isolating and it's good to talk to people if you can - they can be remarkable at shining lights to help you see through tunnels.
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.