Mathieu, United States (he/him)

“You are so much more than any terrible thoughts, or dysphoria, or bullies tell you that you can be.”

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

It sounds really stupid now, but the thought that I’d look great with a beard was the final straw. I’d known (I think) that I was a boy as a kid, but I was never able to properly acknowledge my gender until adulthood - my family was very ignorant and my doctor evangelically transphobic, so learning that trans men existed—let alone realizing that I was one and coming out—definitely wasn’t possible for me back then. After meeting and befriending a trans woman, I realized and came out at 23.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I started looking for doctors who’d prescribe T at 23, and I managed it at 24, thanks to Planned Parenthood. I had top surgery in September of 2023, when I was 25.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

In every conceivable way. I don’t love all aspects of how I look now, but I know that more will change with time; I can live with the parts of myself that still aren’t right because of the parts that are, now. I never thought I’d live to be 25, but I’m 26 and no longer suicidal.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I’d tell him to keep trying to come out, and show him that being a boy was possible for us, despite what the adults around him insist upon. I’d ask him to change his doctor to someone affirming, and to look into puberty blockers. I would have done so much so differently, if I’d only known that we existed, and that puberty could have been slowed/stopped.

Do you have a favorite/funny transition moment?

I have two, one funny and one favorite.

Funny: Back when I was a kid, I loved video games (I still do). However, I always played male characters, and I never spoke on voice chat for fear of being discovered as a “girl” (I was an idiot). Until I came out, I felt incredibly guilty about this - about “pretending” to be a guy - but afterwards, I finally realized that unwittingly, I’d been telling the truth the whole time! Now if only there was a way to make pretending to be a 21-yo college student at 11 years old true…

Favorite: Before I told my brother I was trans, I procrastinated for two weeks out of sheer terror. Finally, I cornered him on the morning he was set to leave for college (he was home on summer break), and I told him. He had no questions for me, and he didn’t ask for an explanation, like I’d expected. Instead, he replied that he had suspected I was trans for years, and that he accepted me for who I am. That morning spent talking to him afterwards is easily the happiest moment of my life. He was the first person I came out to as an adult, and he’s been incredibly kind and supportive since. If you read this, I love you so much :)

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Yes, for anyone reading this who cannot come out or transition right now due to your situation: please keep surviving, however you can. Distraction was the only temporary way to keep my dysphoria at bay, and whatever your way is, if it exists, please do it. Do anything you have to in order to survive to the day when you can be yourself, and look like yourself, and have everyone around you know that you are yourself, too. That day will come. You are so much more than any terrible thoughts, or dysphoria, or bullies tell you that you can be.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.