Paul, United States (he/they)

“One of the silver linings of being transgender (…) is that I get to define what my own masculinity looks like.“

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I came out when I was 18. I never really understood what the term meant and had a girlfriend at the time who talked it through with me. It was scary to think about this at that age, but resonated more than I realized. I lived in the genderqueer place of things for more than a decade. During that time, I cycled on and off of low doses of T, got a full hysto and tried to ride the middle space for as long as I could. Now I'm in my mid-40s and have 2 kids. Life floats on, you hear people say how it gets better all the time. And it does for many of us.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I went on a full T dose when I had kids. I wanted to try and have my kids be visible for theirselves, not for their parents. Both myself and my partner are trans (he carried the kids) and I knew that passing would make their lives easier. So I took that plunge. I'd already had a hysto years before and ended up having chest surgery about 3 years after starting a full dose of T. I was passing at that point and hated binding.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

These changes are essential to where I am now. I'm comfortable in this middle-aged-man-kinda body. I do appreciate the time before the changes, but also have grown into the body I have now with ease.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I think my younger self needed to know that they were trans enough then and valid in wanting that in-between or not in gendered space. At the time, the term was genderqueer and now it's more on the non-binary end of things, but that's a hard space to hold.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

You're trans enough. No matter how that manifests, you're valid in how you hold that space. One of the silver linings of being transgender in my head is that I get to define what my own masculinity looks like. I decide the kind of man I want to be, that's a real gift. It doesn't look like what it did at 18, but I'm still the same person. You get to decide how to be your kind of self, you're trans enough even if you never take hormones or get surgery. There's no requirement other than chasing your own self.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.