Raphael, British Overseas Territories (he/him)
“People will come who do truly want to see you happy."
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
I was 18 years old. I had happened upon a transition timeline of a trans guy. I had never heard of trans men before that. As a young child, I had heard of trans women, though the name used was derogatory, but that was someone who was AMAB and transitioned to become a woman. Knowing of trans women’s existence didn’t make me realize that there was an AFAB equivalent. I knew so quickly after learning about trans men because I had been trying for years at that point to convince myself that I was a woman, because the body I had looked to me like a woman’s body and other people told me I was a woman. I never did feel that way. I’d often tripped myself up forgetting what my body looked like and interacting socially as if I was a guy, thinking and believing I was. But, of course, I didn’t know of trans men, so I didn’t know this was an actual thing. I thought I was broken.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
I’ve only done social things so far. When I was 18, I initially cut my hair and tried putting my socks in my pants, in the privacy of my bedroom alone. I started making friends online that were also trans and just finding community, sharing experiences, and searching for advice. Within a year, I started telling college friends, and they were fairly indifferent about me coming out. Which was great in that they weren’t transphobic, but also not great because I really needed a cheerleader, someone to celebrate me being trans. I also told my psychologist that I was trans and asked if he knew how I could access T. He did not. After a year or two of knowing I was trans, I quickly lost momentum and lost faith in my ability to transition. I pushed it down as hard as I could and did what I was doing previously—trying to convince myself I was a woman. About 6ish years later, after abusive relationships, a sex addict issue, alcoholic issues, and contemplating illegal drug use just to make life bearable, I got back in touch with a college friend, one I hadn’t told I was trans. We talked, and he was vulnerable with me and I with him. Over a conversation, I slipped that I was trans, and that’s when I found my cheerleader. It’s been nearly 2 years now. I’ve cleaned up a lot of the things that were going awry in my life, and I have new hope for the future, for transition. Within the last few weeks, I’ve just gotten a diagnosis for gender dysphoria and hope to get T soon. I’m awaiting an appointment with an endocrinologist.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
The changes that I have been able to do made me feel worse. It really reaffirmed that I was very much trans, and because I was heavily dissociating for most of my life, it made me actually be in my body and made me actually have feelings about it. It reaffirmed that I was trans. And it showed me how insufficient cutting my hair and letting my facial hair grow was. That was initially, though, those first 1–2 years when I had lost momentum and hope. I did later regain it, and things have looked a lot more positive since regaining hope. Now that I have a diagnosis and T seems like it’s around the corner, I am a lot happier. Having someone with whom I can be free to be myself and be celebrated has helped a lot.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
That I am lovable, that being trans doesn’t make you unlovable. You don’t have to try to be something you’re not. People will come who do truly want to see you happy.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
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Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.