T, Canada (he/him)
“I feel more level-headed, calm, & easygoing than ever. I don't feel at war with my own skin anymore. I see my face in the mirror & I feel happy."
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
I can't point to one singular event, but there was a feeling ever since I learned it was possible for "a girl to look like a boy" that would linger with me. I felt a lot of jealousy towards the way that the boys around me got the bodies that I wanted for myself when we all started hitting puberty. The 2nd year of high school, I started to wear boys' clothes & bind my chest, & I began to train my voice to sound more masculine, but even after doing that, it still took me some time to accept myself as really trans. The 3rd year of high school, I finally came to terms with the fact that I'm a man. I've stayed certain of that since.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
By the time I turned 17, I consistently dressed, talked, & generally passed as a guy. When I turned 18, I started HRT, & at 19 I changed my legal name & sex. I'm waiting for surgery.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Boy, have they!
Before I started HRT, I felt like I was actively fighting against my body. Like my body was an obstacle, like it had a will of its own & it hated me. Like it was a problem child constantly giving me grief. Cutting my hair & dressing different felt like a substitution I could make to avoid having to think about my body so much, but if I'd left it there, I would have never felt truly comfortable.
After I started HRT, when my body began to masculinize, I felt joy that I didn't even think was possible. I'm not angry & scared all the time like I was before I started HRT. Instead, I feel more level-headed, calm, & easygoing than ever. I don't feel at war with my own skin anymore. I see my face in the mirror & I feel happy. I love all the new hair that I've grown. I love how my muscles are more defined. I love my voice. I'm not exaggerating when I say that it's been absolutely, without a doubt, exclusively beneficial for me.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
I'd say, "I love you. You're doing so well & it's all uphill from here. Also, respect yourself more. You know more about yourself than the people around you would have you think." All things considered, I think I actually did pretty good dealing with the hardest parts of my life as a high school kid. I don't have any big regrets.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
Some time after I changed my legal name, it became unavoidably obvious that my older brother, a guy I admired for basically my whole life, did not accept me as male and held very hateful beliefs about trans people. It was difficult for me to deal with this, & confronting him about it stressed me out for a little while. It was a pretty awful time coming to terms with having a relative who unequivocally considers me delusional & unworthy of respect. What was even more striking about this, though, was that my friends & parents really did care about me. My friends especially — I really lucked out with them. I was kind of a loser when I was little, so me & a couple other weird kids ended up clicking really well, & I hope I had their backs as much as they had mine. I'm still dear friends with them, as well as many more people I got to know & love over the years. I want to mention a few of them:
Thanks M for adjusting so quickly to me coming out, & not shying away from supporting me in front of other people. Thanks C for being my first real male friend — I felt more like myself around you than I previously thought I could. Thanks everyone I made friends with after I turned 17 — you taught me that I didn't have to be afraid of other people's judgment by always being so loving. Finally, I wanna shout out K — I don't think you'll ever stumble upon this, but you're the best sister in the world, even though we're not related. Thanks for being the first one to see who I really am.
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.