Tom, United States (he/him)
“There are trans stories out there that you will identify with and that will help you understand your feelings.”
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
I didn't have the vocabulary or understanding to know I was trans for a long time. At three and four years old I used to say "I want to be a boy". I was told that I was a girl and that girls can do anything that boys can. It felt like a fact of life that I was a girl and that nothing I could do would change that. As I got older I used to ask for people to call me by my more gender neutral middle name, but it never caught on.
I started going by Tom in online spaces at around 18 years old. To continue surviving "real life" I felt that I needed an online outlet where people perceived me as a man. I didn't do very much introspection as to why that was though. While I would go through periods of time obsessing over other people's transition stories and photos, I kept thinking "that's not me though, right?"
I would tell people in my life that if becoming a man was as easy as pushing a button, I would do it immediately. I didn't have the understanding that I could push that button for myself, regardless of what I looked like or how others perceived me.
My mother passed from breast cancer when I was 30. She had just turned 49 and it made me think about what I would want from my life if I only had 18/19 years left to live. I had gene testing done since she tested positive for a BRCA2 mutation.While waiting on the results, I realized that I hoped I had it too so I would have a "medical" excuse for a double mastectomy. I luckily tested negative for any BRCA mutations, but I sat with that realization that I was willing to endure medical procedures to feel more comfortable with myself. It felt like the last barrier mentally to admit to myself that I was trans.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
After my mother's passing, I realized that life could be very short and it wasn't worth doing things that made me unhappy. As more in-person events started being scheduled, I decided I had no interest in wearing clothes that made me uncomfortable with myself, such as dresses. I cleared out my closet and kept only the clothing that I enjoyed.
I made the decision to cut my hair short for the first time in my life. A few months afterward, I started taking testosterone right before my 32nd birthday.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Overall, yes, the changes have started to make me feel more comfortable in my life and body. I feel much more stable emotionally and mentally. It's easier to think about my future and look forward to who I am becoming and all the things I get to experience as I get older.
Sometimes, I experience more discomfort than before. Prior to making changes, I was usually able to ignore my body and what I looked like. Now, I'm actively thinking about how I feel in my body, how I want to look, and how I want others to perceive me. I feel hopeful that aspects of what I want to look like or how I want to be perceived are actually achievable now, rather than a fantasy.
While this is a positive thing, it also means that there are feelings of discomfort and pressure to continue to work on myself.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
Dig a bit deeper; there are trans stories out there that you will identify with and that will help you understand your feelings.
Don't try to change yourself to be what other people want. It's not something that is sustainable long term.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
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Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.