Alex, United States

"I would tell others (...): it is a waste of time to manage how others view you; it is out of your control what opinions people have about you."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

For me, I am not sure there was a definitive moment but moreso a culmination of experiences throughout my life. I threw a temper tantrum when I was two or three that I couldn't pee like my dad. As a teen, I googled how feasible it was to move and live in some remote location and try to convince everyone that I was born with a series of birth defects which resulted in my having a chest, not having a penis, having a higher pitched voice compared to other guys, etc. I was oddly jealous of Max in The L Word. I guess those things led to me discovering the language I needed to express that what I was experiencing wasn't novel; there were others out there who felt the same way I felt and they were able to do something about it. I would say that I was around thirteen or fourteen when I was actually able to identify the word "trans" as it relates to my gender experience.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I came out to my immediate family when I was fifteen. So, I was aware that I was trans for around one year before telling anyone. I was met with overwhelmingly negative reactions, so there was nothing I could do as far as making any changes. At school, people would call me by my actual name and correct pronouns (for the most part), and I already dressed masculinely anyway. I was able to get my hair cut short when I was sixteen, and that was the only major change I was allowed to have as a minor. The day I turned eighteen was the day I filed the paperwork with the court to legally change my name. Shortly after turning eighteen, I also began taking testosterone.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

At the time, the changes felt ambivalent where I knew I wanted these changes to occur but I also dreaded how others would be responding to these changes. Once I was able to settle within myself and not be so caught up in my own head, I was actually able to quietly enjoy things. I have been on testosterone for around seven years at this point, and while I am past the days where I constantly notice new things which have changed, the idea that this was the right decision for me has never faded. I am post top surgery as well, and this has also been a very positive experience for how I perceive my body and view it. Even though there are obviously things I wish were different about my body still, the things that have changed and masculinized has resulted in a more positive body image for myself.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I think I would tell myself not to focus too much on everything. Try not to be so controlling of every situation. It comes from insecurity. I was afraid that if I didn't act a certain way, then this would result in others viewing me more negatively. And this came at an expense to my mental and physical well-being. I would have tried to focus on my plans for transition less as well. I am at a point in life now where I am realizing that I spent so much time focusing on this one aspect of myself that other areas of my life are underdeveloped. The way I view and act in relationships has been impacted. The way I treat myself has certainly been impacted. And I would tell others the same thing if it is something that applies to them, that it is a waste of time to manage how others view you; it is out of your control what opinions people have about you. What is more important is to focus on your own goals and your own well-being and try to make yourself as well-rounded of a person as possible.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

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Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.