Meik, Germany (he/him)
“It’s not about who you are, but who you want to be.“
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
I was a bit of a late bloomer. I truly realized that I was trans when I met up with a befriended transman. I complained about how hard life was, living as a woman, with “a man inside my head.” When he said: “Have you ever thought about whether you’re just that man inside your head?” my world sort of crashed. I was 31 years old. Up to that point, I’d not had any touch points with anything relating to transidentity. Early on in my life, I’d sworn off social media and watching TV, so while the world was emerging into a more colorful and inclusive space, I’d not gotten the memo until that exact moment. Up to that point, I’d live a male double life on the internet for 16 years. I’d built a separate career (gay romance author), made friends (mainly through reddit), had relationships, all in text. I never crossed the line of calling or sending images, therefore, whatever connection I had, they came to an end. The fact that I couldn’t even call the person I was in love with was extremely excruciating. It’d reached my limit of what I could take.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
As soon as I returned home from visiting him, I went down a rabbit hole of researching everything and anything I could find on Youtube. First, I cut off my hair, then I stopped wearing make up, ordered a binder, bought new clothes (and donated all of my female clothes), hit the gym four times a week, and stopped shaving. It was still quite difficult to imagine myself in a more masculine fashion, even with all these changes. Without going on hormones, there was no way I was going to pass with the body/face/voice I had. While I’d lived as a man on the internet for more than a decade, bringing my deeply buried masculine attitudes into the real world was more difficult than I imagined. To make sure I was on “the right track”, I booked voice lessons to deepen my extremely high pitched female voice. My vocal coach helped prepare my voice for the upcoming T voice drop and I managed to hit gender neutral tones about 6 weeks later. To this day I am convinced that it has helped me get the male passing voice I craved at the speed that I got it. I went on T 6 months after I’d realized that I was trans. At 31 I had no more time to waste to start living my life.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
I’d say the most validating change has been starting HRT as well as working out regularly. My voice and shoulders give me a lot of gender euphoria. I’ve never felt this comfortable in my body, and I am excited for the upcoming changes in the next years.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
“Where you start out doesn’t determine where you end up.”
There is hope for your body and face, man. You’ll be okay. 6 months on T and your voice will be as deep as you would have never imagined. Remember: with discipline and dedication (voice training and working out) anything is possible. Also, don’t worry, mate, your father will be your biggest ally (who would have thought, since the two of you never really got along…).
I know you’ll get upset about being misgendered constantly, but it’s okay. You’ll show them. You’ll show them the man you are; they have no idea. You’ll blow their fucking minds. Just keep going. Head down and one foot in front of the other…you’ll get there.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
“It’s not about who you are, but who you want to be.“
Early on, my mother didn’t think “I’d make it” because her daughter had been a fragile, little thing, getting upset over the smallest complications in life. Transitioning seemed like the final shove over the edge; she was very worried and scared for me. The longer I took T, the more stable and capable I became. After three months, she suddenly looked at me and said: “The daughter I had was just a shell of the son I was supposed to have.” It was one of the most memorable moments since I’ve started my transition.
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.