Andrey, Ukraine (he/him)

“I started a new chapter in life for the first time as Myself, not as the persona I had to keep up for 20 years prior.”

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

In retrospect, I always related to boy role models and admired men. I was also keenly aware that this was a bad thing for a girl, that me liking books with boy protagonists would just be proof that feminism failed or whatever, so I didn't engage much with male or female role models. I did try out boy pronouns as a child (in Russian, my first language); my parents laughed at me and I passively took note that We Don't Do That Sort Of Thing.

Thank goodness for the internet. I realised I'm trans in my teens, around the age where I could still pass as a boy AND as my age. I didn't want to pass as a boy at the time, though - seeing my classmates grow up, I felt myself lacking physical development I wanted/needed to feel like a boy. From my teens up until my early 20s I thought of myself as nonbinary and "happy to be androgynous". At the same time, I related intensely to male/male romances and daydreamed constantly about being a boy in love with another boy.

I first bought a binder and wore it to Toronto Pride at 16.

As the years passed, I could no longer pass as a guy my own age. The masculine physical development was sorely, sorely lacking; I couldn't even see myself as a guy. As well, I had to be a legally independent adult, hold down a job, all under my legal identity - I could be seen as male or I could be seen as an adult, but I couldn't be both. Just two or three years of this eroded my happiness and self-confidence, getting to the point where the overwhelming process of transition became a lesser evil compared to living even five more years as a woman in the world's eyes.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

After a brief hyperfeminine phase in early highschool, I started buying mostly male clothes, boxers, etc. It flew under the radar: my mother has short hair and prefers men's clothes as well, and overall, it's okay for a girl to dress masculine.

As mentioned, I bought a binder online at 16 and wore it to a Pride event, and it was exhilarating. I barely wore it afterwards, though - until I started testosterone, I felt stuck in a limbo state of "I can't be male enough for the binder's effects to matter". I didn't want to come out to my friends as nonbinary when in all legal matters I was still stuck maintaining a separate identity.

I started testosterone 5 years after that pride parade. In the preceding year I bit the bullet and changed my name on exactly 1 official document - my diploma - while still having a legal name that didn't relate to that diploma. I came out to my parents, who are still hoping I'll grow out of this phase, and moved out with my very supportive partner at the time.

Still, while my voice dropped pretty quickly, I didn't tell my closest friends until a year and a half had passed; the "too young to be a guy their age" limbo felt like quicksand I couldn't rush out of.

Towards the end of 2 years on testosterone, last year (2023), I got a legal name change, with my now ex-partner serving as witness. He's straight, so it was bound to end as I changed physically; I'm eternally grateful that in spite of this he was my №1 cheerleader in becoming a man. With the name change, I started a new chapter in life for the first time as Myself, not as the persona I had to keep up for 20 years prior.

I'm planning to get top surgery in the future, mostly so I can go swimming again. I haven't been in years.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

So much more comfortable. I love testosterone, it's a magic potion.

I love singing now; I love how my body is full of sharp edges and accidentally-defined muscles; I love the happy trail running up my belly. I love that I'm falling into physical habits I've seen in so many men around me, even the annoying and slightly nasty parts - I love that I UNDERSTAND it now; rapidly overheating and needing to strip my shirt off, actually needing to shower, needing to change socks and use deodorant much more frequently, drenching shirts with sweat in the summer and wearing shorts in the winter. I love the stubble I can stroke thoughtfully under my chin. As my face changed, I got DIMPLES! I look so cute when I smile now.

Also, on a non-gender note, testosterone fixed some issues I didn't even consider issues, or fixable. I used to have unstable, hyperflexible joints, and I couldn't develop enough muscle to stabilise them - when I tried, my hips subluxated and my shoulders dislocated within their natural range of motion; now I know exercise can feel different. I'm still anaemic, but it's much better now that I'm not losing extra blood every month; the room doesn't go dark when I stand up anymore. I used to get at least one or two migraines a month, cutting 1-3 days out of my life each time; those don't happen at all anymore. I didn't think life could feel so good physically.

It took time before those physical changes could be combined with legal/social changes. Those have come into near-complete sync for the first time this year and I'm almost delirious with joy. I move through the world as myself, without flinching away from Government Affairs, without needing to hide my ID from people who don't know I'm trans, proudly putting my name on everything and anything I do. I didn't want fame or recognition before! I didn't want to achieve anything. Now, I want to live the best life as the best man I can be.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I would tell them they're doing great within their circumstances. I'm lucky that we moved to Canada when I was young; if we'd stayed then I would still be "them", not least because transition in Ukraine is illegal before 25. (I still have a female legal identity in Ukraine! Someone looking through my documents would think I was a spy with a secret wife.)

Still, even in Canada, in my Ukrainian family they had few options - there was an ever-present risk of being sent back to Ukraine, where the social stigma would have absolutely crushed them into a respectable young woman. I'm so proud of them, of me, for bearing through and letting me break out of them like a well-worn, safe and protective cicada husk.

The only thing I would do differently is take advantage of the pandemic lull in activity to start transitioning. I also know I couldn't have done so, of course. I was still hoping I could avoid the difficulties of being trans "for real" at the time, be a woman on paper and a none-of-the-above-ish guy-ish person among friends. This is more of a regret now, wishing my body had an extra 2 years of testosterone in it already. The regret will fade as more years pass. I can feel it fading already, replaced by joy at every next day I spend as myself.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

All my long-lost dreams and fantasies are coming true :-) And I'm finding so many new dreams and fantasies now that I no longer dread the idea of being the center of attention.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.