Will, United States (he/him)

“Every aching step is worth it because it takes you closer to your goal. We're in this together, so let's keep fighting.“

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I was five years old the first time I felt disconnected from my body. I knew "boys were boys" and "girls were girls" but I didn't feel like a girl. I refused to wear dresses, hated my hair long, even roleplayed as the dad/husband when us kids played house.

One day my cousins and I were playing in the sprinklers and my older cousin took his shirt off because it was hot. I mimicked him, and we continued to play until my dad came outside and pulled me aside. (I get it now, though; as a parent he was protecting what he saw as his little girl from potentially weird neighbors.) When he said I couldn't take my shirt off like my cousin, I asked why. He told me bluntly; it was because I was a girl.

Instead of accepting this as I did most rules my parents imposed at that age, it really upset me. (He was supportive and comforting though, and has continued to be throughout my transition.) I think that was the first time I realized I was included, much against my will, in that group. Gotta remember little identities are still forming, the concept of self at that age lacks the context of an entire world beyond your home. I had to settle for being a tomboy because I didn't know being anything else was an option.

Despite having fantasies about being a man, wishing I looked like other men, hating my body, and being attracted to women, I tried to play the part of a straight cis woman well into adulthood. I say tried, because I don't think I did a very good job of it lol.

It wasn't until my late 20s that I accidentally stumbled into the LBGTQIA+ community, new for me as someone from the southern US, through gaming. As I spoke to people of all sorts of backgrounds, from all over the world, with experiences similar to mine, and saw them transition, I had my revelation. I finally understood why I related to them so much and that's when I realized transitioning was possible for me, too. Not just a dream or fantasy I never told anyone about. It was a tangible, real medical process and nowhere near as unachievable as I'd made it out to be in my mind. I didn't have to be stuck with the body, or life, I was given. I could write my own story.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

It was a long, gradual process of questioning and exploration that lead me to where I am now. At first I thought perhaps I might be nonbinary. I began experimenting with dressing masculine again (something I'd stopped as a teenager to better fit in and void bullying/slurs), cut my hair, and used they/them pronouns for a while. I started reading more online and watching YouTube videos about transitioning and found I identified the most with transmasculine people.

Once I decided to use he/him exclusively and people began talking to and treating me like a man online, it just felt so right I couldn't deny it anymore. So, one day I decided, I'm just going to do it. I made an appointment for my first testosterone shot, got it the same day, and walked out of that building feeling like a free man for the first time at the ripe age of 31.

Granted, my transition did not end there. Aside from my voice drop which was almost immediate, it took time to see the physical effects I wanted. For the first year I still had a very feminine face and figure. I began working out to masculinize my body, lost quite a bit of weight and developed more muscle. I wasn't able to bind, but after my chest got small enough to comfortably tape, my facial hair grew out, and I gained more confidence, I started passing consistently.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Absolutely. I feel comfortable and confident in my body, in the person I see in the mirror and the person everyone else sees in me, for the first time in my life. In fact, I love my body now. I love the way I look and the way I feel. I even think I'm quite handsome now. Most importantly, I'm healthier, stronger, and happier. Whereas before I simply existed, now I am living. I actually feel excited for the future.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

Take testosterone! Kiss girls!

In all seriousness, I have thought of this more times than I can count. If I hadn't had my kids, I would have told my younger self these things. Transitioning earlier in life could have spared me a significant amount of pain and trauma and granted me many physical benefits I've been permanently denied. Instead of spending my life jumping from one doomed relationship to another, and then eventually alone, I could have met a girl and fallen in love.

That said, would I really take it all back? I don't know. One of those doomed relationships gave me my kids. Part of me wants to believe they would always have existed one way or another. The other part knows every choice I made, conscious or not, lead me to them. And I wouldn't be the same man I am today without them or the life I've lead.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

I just want every questioning trans person reading this to know they aren't alone. No matter your age, it's never too late. Don't let anyone tell you it's impossible to live the life you want and deserve. You have so much untapped potential you don't even know. Every aching step is worth it because it takes you closer to your goal. We're in this together, so let's keep fighting.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.