Carson, United States (he/it)
"Embracing my identity right away was such a good decision into becoming someone that I love and trust."
What made you realize you were trans? How old were you?
When I first realized I was trans I was 12 years old. I think that amongst a major change in my life (switching schools halfway through the year), it led to something clicking in my brain that I suppose I was subconsciously repressing, likely due to having already been dealing with my family’s homophobia when I told them I was queer. In that transition of uprooting my life, something clicked, and I realized that I hated being perceived as a girl, even through my own eyes.
When did you start making changes? What were these changes?
Pretty soon after realizing this about myself, I started at my new school and chose a new name. It didn’t take me long to decide on a new one; it was similar enough to my birth name but also masculine enough to make me feel like myself. I immediately started using it with my teachers and peers. I didn’t have an issue with changing my wardrobe that significantly because I pretty much dressed gender neutral even before I came out as trans. Before I managed to get a chest binder, though, I would layer sports bras on top of each other for the compression (PLEASE don’t do this, it is very harmful to your body). I already had short hair, and began cutting my own hair a couple years later to make it look a little less feminine than the stylists liked to do. I didn’t start any medical transitioning until I was 18, when I took the steps to start testosterone.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Starting testosterone has been the most empowering thing so far in my transition. It’s made me more comfortable with myself both mentally and physically, and I feel less dysphoria than I ever have. Embracing my identity right away was such a good decision into becoming someone that I love and trust. I can look in the mirror and feel like I’m looking at myself, rather than seeing someone that I can’t stand to look at. I’ve become so confident in my personality and identity, and that confidence still grows to this day, with every friend I meet and every empowering word I receive.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
I would thank my past self for not giving into the pressure to conform and repress this part of me. Being trans and queer caused me to suffer mentally in middle and high school, being surrounded my hatred and bigotry. I would tell myself that it would all be okay, that things might not turn out the way you think now but they’ll turn out wonderfully nonetheless, and to not be afraid to be happy, because that’s what the bigots hate the most. It’s always such a complicated question whether or not I would do anything differently, because every small thing comes together to make the future that you know. There are always things that people regret, and I am no different, but we all try our best when surrounded by difficult conditions, and I am so proud of myself for making it out and thriving.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
Being trans is a battle. No matter what, there will always be people that think you are the scum of the earth for the simple crime of existing, and coming to terms with that can be so hard. Through it all, though, never forget that there is an ever growing community of people that love you so much for the simple act of existing. Remember that embracing each day as a transgender person and persisting despite the constant storm around you makes you stronger than anyone who would dare question your identity.
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.