Ethan, United States (he/they)
"I wanted to be my main character, not just write about them."
What made you realize you were trans? How old were you?
My whole life has been a process of realizing, but over and over again, it was immediately followed by reasons why that's impossible, either given to me by others or created out of my own fears. The first I remember was wanting to “grow up to be Superman” (I was an 80s kid, and the Christopher Reeves movies were my favorite). Not SuperGIRL, SuperMAN, and I was crushed when I heard that was impossible and I would grow up to look like Mommy and not Daddy. (I was also crushed I didn’t get the underwear because they were “only for boys.”) I realized many times over my teens and 20s, but at best, I was a “fag hag” because gay male culture resonated with me so hard, and at worse I was a sad female on the internet “fetishizing gay men” with my mlm fiction. I found myself very attracted to gender-nonconforming people, but didn’t make the connection. In my 30s, another realization that, no, I was TRANS, I wanted to BE my main character, not just write about them. The response then was that I wasn’t “trans enough” because I hadn’t “lived as a man” and wasn’t actively suicidal over dysphoria (over other things, but let’s not get into it,) or that I wasn’t lesbian enough because I was bi... And you had to be a butch lesbian before you could be a trans man, of course. Only in my 40s, once trans voices began being heard more in society and actual transition options were available, was I able to finally answer with YES, and “Now, what will you do about it?”
When did you start making changes? What were these changes?
Almost exactly eight months ago as I write this, at 46 years old, I started testosterone gel. The mental changes were first. I felt some anxious, wounded, frightened thing inside me settle down, as if someone had finally oiled a screeching gear in my machinery. I was calmer, able to make a decision and go for it, less prone to weeping at the slightest provocation. There’s been hair and acne and now a frustrating adolescent creak in my deepening voice. My menopause mustache has flourished. Other changes to the undercarriage were also immediate and gratifying, but the first and the one that continues to surprise me is the mental shift.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Mostly… I feel right. For the first time in my life. Like I belong in this world and it belongs to me. Like a 3D being instead of a paper cut-out. The removal of the monthly psycho-physical rollercoaster that is the AFAB hormonal cycle was a damn miracle. Conversely, I’m also now aware of the dysphoria that I’ve been passively ignoring all these years. I am waiting for top surgery, very eager for it, and tortured more than ever by the inconvenience and literal pain of having breasts. They are too large both for my frame and most binders, which makes it worse. I am trying to be patient, though, and remember that it’s a journey not just a finish line.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
Oof, this is a tough one for an older trans person to answer, especially one starting transition later in life. On one hand, the amount of bitterness and regret and grief is immeasurable. Some days, it’s all-consuming. Sometimes, there’s anger at that idiot coward who cheated us out of time. On my gentler, wiser days, I forgive myself for not knowing, for not thinking it was possible. I remember that 20-30 years ago? things like HRT and top surgery (not to mention phalloplasty) were honestly very fringe and not ever discussed in anything but deep in queer circles. Back then, if you were trans and it really was life or death, you could find doctors to help you, but you’d better be prepared to cut off your family and live 100% stealth and in fear of being hate crimed. Sounds harsh, but that was our reality. In light of that, I can have a little compassion for Baby Me, who survived and got me here.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
Thank you for this project. It’s so vital that our voices be heard, and I would like to add that it’s vital for the voices of older trans folks to be heard. The younger generation has done so much to push us all forward, but just like we got schooled by the queers before AIDS took them, so too do the younger folx need to know where they came from. Thank you, developers, for making this happen.
Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.