Croc, United States (he/him)

“I don't just see a future for myself—I'm excited to live it."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

A deep discomfort with myself, my body, how I navigated and was perceived in the world, had been lingering in the background my entire life, from my earliest memories of childhood. I had tried to pee standing up as a toddler, had refused to wear dresses, had only liked boy characters, insisted on going by different names, always chose to be a boy in games, had almost exclusively male friends. All of this got increasingly worse as I began puberty, which upon its initial beginnings had made me truly believe I was dying. I grew withdrawn, depressed, and severely socially anxious. I had symptoms that bordered on psychosis as I isolated myself.

I wouldn't have a word for how I felt until I was about fourteen. In middle school I became close friends with a "girl" like me, and we bonded over many shared feelings. This person was the only person I had ever known who I felt understood me. In ninth grade he came out as a trans man and I honestly knew immediately that my own fate was sealed too. I had no idea trans men even existed until then, but it made every piece fall into place.

I definitely initially went through the five stages of grief about it. I did not want to be trans. I came from a conservative Orthodox Middle Eastern family in a very Republican-dominated part of the country. I did not want to go through the process of coming out, of exposing myself to judgment and cruelty, of changing my body, going through surgery, medication, the whole shebang. I tried to bargain with myself. I told myself things like, "Of course I would be a boy if I could magically transform into one, but I wouldn't be a REAL boy by just transitioning anyway, so it's not worth it to start."

I would finally give in and formally come out as transgender to those I trusted (not many) when I was fifteen.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I received my first binder when I was around sixteen; it was from the same friend mentioned above. I didn't feel like I could safely order one to my house, so he gave me one of his. That was a lifeline for many years. I had wanted a double mastectomy before I even knew trans men existed, when I first learned they could be performed for breast cancer prevention.

Beyond binding, I did not socially transition prior to medically transitioning. I tried to masculinize my appearance some, I had short hair and I typically wore baggy, plain clothes, and my close friends knew I used he/him pronouns and a male name, but no amount of boyish haircuts and hoodies would change the fact that I did not pass as anything but a teenage girl.

I began testosterone hormone replacement therapy about six months after moving out of my parents' home, at age 20, and underwent double incision top surgery about a year later, at age 21. I socially transitioned naturally as I began to pass as male thanks to the HRT. I didn't get around to legally changing my name or gender until I was 25. Currently next on the list is a hysterectomy, and potentially bottom surgery in the further future!

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

I genuinely don't know if words can describe how much my life has been improved by my transition.

I did not feel like a real person before I transitioned. I felt fundamentally broken. I did not see a future for myself. My physical health and hygiene were poor on account of not wanting to acknowledge my own body. Thinking too much about my physical self made me nauseous. I dealt with panic attacks and depressive episodes so bad that I dropped out of public school and completed high school independently. I spent all of my free time online, completely miserable. I did not feel like I could connect or form healthy relationships with other people.

Transitioning gave me a sense of self and made me whole. It made me confident in myself. I don't just "like myself," I genuinely love the person I am today and I have a desire to cultivate a better future for myself every day. I have a loving relationship with a partner that spans half a decade, I have good friends, a local community, hobbies I'm passionate about, I've accomplished things that I just know my younger self would never even believe I could do, I've completed seven years of higher education and am in a career that I enjoy, and, more than anything else, I'm just fundamentally a happy person.

More superficially, transitioning also made it possible for me to explore my style more. As dysphoria has dissipated I have been able to play with wearing makeup, flamboyant and effeminate clothing, jewelry, etc. Many of the men whose style I most admire, the ones I initially would have described as a teenager as "transition goals," are alternative in some way: Makeup, fishnets, painted nails, longer hair. For a long time I felt torn between expressing myself and being seen as a man and I repressed that side of myself because the dysphoria was so painful if I didn't. But these two sides of myself don't need to be separate anymore. Now when I go out I can wear eyeliner and a fishnet top and be seen as male by everyone I meet. It's honestly still kind of crazy to me. I am fully myself now.

Transition obviously didn't solve every issue, but it did give me relief from a completely inescapable, all-encompassing weight that made it impossible for me to focus on anything else. Now, I CAN focus on the "everything else," and I don't just see a future for myself—I'm excited to live it.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

Just hang in there. It sounds like the biggest cliche, but it really does get better. Being a teenager is the worst period of life. You have no freedom, no sense of self, no purpose, no autonomy. You just need to hold on, cling to the small glimpses of magic through the cracks of all that misery as you find them, and know that things will get better. It will all work out. You will find yourself.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Find a community in real life. It doesn't have to be trans-related, although a space with many queer/LGBT individuals may feel especially welcoming. It's so easy to be isolated and stuck doomscrolling online in the 21st century. You need to force yourself out there; you need to forge relationships with the people around you. Join social groups, volunteer, go to clubs, find conventions or meetups for your interests, go to concerts, art shows, games... whatever it is you do. I'm an introvert in the most classic sense, I need to recharge after I socialize. I struggled for years with social anxiety. I get that it's hard to put yourself out there. And I know this isn't directly connected to transness. But I really think that in this day and age trans folk of all ages and backgrounds need to forge positive relationships and communities with those around us. There's too much BS in the world. It's so easy to start to feel alone and helpless and afraid. Don't let yourself become isolated.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.