Elden, United States (he/they)

“I have become more myself than I have ever been."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I had always had a feeling of being "off" or "wrong" my whole life. I used to phrase it to myself as feeling "alienated" in my body. I would see myself in the mirror, and I could tell something was wrong. I also had a kind of connection to certain male characters in media, not quite crushes or just plain enjoying the character, but something deeper. I never questioned my gender until I was 14 though. I was watching a show with my parents when the two main characters, who were both men, kissed. I realized something that day. I wanted to date men AS A MAN. I wanted to be in a gay m/m relationship because that felt right to me. Suddenly everything made sense, the body issues which were dysphoria, the connections which were really gender envy.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I started making changes soon after. I joined a cosplay club at my school, and decided to cosplay a male character, so I used that to get my mom to buy a binder for me. I also told most of my friends, along with my boyfriend. I had to end the relationship with him sadly, because it wasn't going to work out. I started going by a different name at school, starting in my theatre class. My pronouns changed from she/her to any, which later changed to he/they. I cut my hair later that year, with a short hairstyle. I dressed more masculine, wearing whatever I could to hide curves and appear more masculine to others.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

They've both helped and hurt. I love looking more masculine, and am starting to figure out what kind of guy I am, what kind of man I want to grow to be. I'm starting to feel less out of place as well, like I fit in the picture of my life. At the same time, I've begun critiquing myself more than I did before, noticing more everything that's still wrong, and what I can and can't do to fix it.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I wish I could tell myself to take things slowly. To figure things out piece by piece, and that it's ok to take my time with this. You shouldn't feel obligated to tell anyone before you're ready.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Just that it will get better. I have become more of myself than I have ever been. Even other people in my life have noticed it. Being trans can make you feel like you're always out of place, or that you won't be like everyone else. But if you give it time, you start to figure out who you are, and once you work towards that, you'll feel like you've found a home and a community.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.