Hal, Finland (he/him)

“I distinctly remember being asked directly (…), if I felt myself to be a man. (…) The answer was no, and I knew it to be a lie."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

There's no moment of epiphany like that for me, but one I distinctly remember is being asked directly, after a conversation on trans topics that went a little bit personal, if I felt myself to be a man. This was in 2017, I was 33 or 34, the answer was no, and I knew it to be a lie.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I came out in June 2023. Since then I've lost a lot of weight, got a masculine haircut, stopped shaving anywhere, started using men's hygiene products, stopped wearing dresses/skirts (I still have a lot of weight to lose so it doesn't make sense to buy many men's clothes, but I have a few items I treasure and wear every day), changed my jewellery into the kind you get at a piercing studio, and have a tattoo appointment lined up.

Socially, I've changed my name and started going by he/him.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Profoundly. I used to be a shut-in, slowly killing myself with neglect; now, I actually enjoy life again, find joy in hobbies and activities both old and new, and actually like myself. It's like my life and personality are a puzzle, and the pieces used to be all mixed up in the box, but once I found this crucial corner piece, everything else has started falling into place.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

Sadly, I don't think not caring about the opinions of others can be taught. It's what I'd tell her (because I do think my younger self was a she), but I doubt she'd listen, or truly understand.

I wish I hadn't let it go on this long, though. I'm old, and tired, and broken in many ways; the road to becoming the man I want to be is longer for all the years that have already passed. But at least one day I'll get to be an old man and yell at clouds.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

I wish transgender care wasn't dead set on proving we're not trans. The image they project outward - that you have to fit every last one of these boxes exactly - is likely the biggest contributor to why I have forty miserable years behind me instead of happy years ahead.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.