Ben, United States (he/they)
“I’d tell my younger self not to let people tell me I was a lesbian just because I liked appearing masculine."
Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?
I “realized” it in and off since I was about 7. That was when I am aware of my memories associated with gender. I was looking in the mirror shirtless during the summer thinking my body looks like a boy’s and I fully expected that it would grow into a man’s. My mind blocked out the whole idea that people who are born girls biologically become women without intervention. But I was probably aware earlier than that even if I don’t remember. There are no early childhood photos of me smiling while wearing a dress.
How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?
I decided at around 35 that I was never going to wear a dress again. But I started going through menopause in my late 30s. By my early 40s I realized that losing estrogen, which gives most women a hard time with emotions and anxiety, made me strangely calm and content. So when I had to replace a hormone for health reason, I asked for testosterone instead. I had just turned 42.
Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?
Yes, I didn’t know people could be this happy. I didn’t know people could walk by a mirror and not avoid it. I didn’t know that people could dress to look good, not to avoid looking bad. I didn’t know that people could make decisions with confidence and speak with confidence.
What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?
I can’t change the fact that there really weren’t words for what I was. But I’d tell myself not to let people tell me I was a lesbian just because I liked appearing masculine. Because that messed up my thinking for a while and made me believe I didn’t like sex and relationships.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
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Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?
Yes.