Keyton, United States (he/they)

“I never realised how much I dissociated in my life until I actually started feeling like me."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I was 15 when I was first able to digest the fact I was trans. After years of dissociating, trying to disconnect myself from my body, and simply outright denying it. I just couldn't anymore. I remember when I used to tell myself I couldn't be trans because my step brother was, and I would be copying him. Anything I could think of I would use to deny it. At some point you just have to stop running, and at 15 I finally told myself. I am trans. I didn't know what flavor of trans I was at the time, but I knew I couldn't hide from it any longer. Nor did I want to.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I am a people pleaser. I truly hate making myself stick out, and transitioning naturally makes you stick out. So I started slowly at first. At 15 I came out to a small group of friends using all pronouns. Then a year later I came out to the school. I was a band kid, so I was able to wear a suit instead of a dress. At 17, almost 18. I finally came out to my family as a trans man. I remember stuttering and stumbling through it. But that change was huge for me. Change is scary, and that encounter would change my life forever. Good or bad. I got lucky. My mom still doesn't understand it fully but she is supportive. And with that support at 18 I got my name changed, and a month later I started T.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Absolutely. When people started calling me the right name and pronouns it solidified the fact I was trans for me. I never realised how much I dissociated in my life until I actually started feeling like me. I still get dysphoria from time to time, but it used to be a daily struggle. It used to be very bad with my voice, but now almost 2 years on T I love hearing my voice. Now people are actually seeing me for who I am, and it is incredibly affirming.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I would tell him that it's ok to be scared. It's ok to have doubts, and question things. Before I transitioned the most popular thought that plagued my mind was that I was faking it. That I was making it all up. I still have that thought sometimes. Even though when my voice deepened all I could feel was happiness and excitement, or when I got a short hairstyle that was horrible, I was just simply happy to look masculine. Every step I took was shrouded in self doubt, and that's ok. Because past me was able to gather enough strength to throw away those fears to do something he knew was for the better, and I wouldn't do it any differently.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Every story matters. For the longest time I lost myself while comparing my story to others to make mine less valid. That is simply not true. My story is valid, and it matters. Just like yours. Just like the next person. The differences are what make our stories unique, not wrong.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.