Toni, Macedonia (he/him)

“You deserve to live a content life comfortable in your own skin as much as everyone else."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

Since I was a kid there were always signs, I never even allowed people to call me girl or woman, I always gravitated towards male role models, I saw myself in male characters in the stories I watched or read about, I internalised many male gender roles, I would get excited when people would "mistake" me as a boy. I wanted the boys I liked to see me as one, despite it all I was never very masculine, it was all so confusing. I tried to repress it all, no matter how much I tried, it never worked. I suffered for most of my life, experiencing so much dysphoria while not having the language to explain or understand my experience. I grew resentful of men and women (but I remember thinking nonbinary people were so cool haha, and they are). I could not understand why on earth were women content with being called "women" why did they like being acknowledged as women.

A month after turning 17 I was watching some video, I don't even remember what it was about now, but the girl in it was saying something along the lines of "us girls" I paused it and thought to myself frustrated, "why do girls like calling themselves girls? how can they not hate it?" and then a random thought came "and I hate it more than everything, why do I hate it so much? ...Could it be because I'm not one?" And that was it. That's how I realised. It all fell into place. I was not a girl, of course I wasn't. Does that make me trans? I guess so. I was so scared, and it took me around a year to accept myself as trans and then after that it took me roughly the same amount of time to accept myself as a trans man, it wasn't an easy process, but I finally had the words and tools to understand myself and make sense of all these painful and frustrating things I was feeling and going through for 17 years of my life. I knew I was a boy way before I knew I was trans or what trans meant, and I accepted myself as a man only after turning 20.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

After realising I'm trans I remember looking myself in the mirror and imagining myself with a short haircut in the style that I always wanted but was too scared to wish for, it made me cry. I started cutting my hair short. It was a gradual process, I was 17 still living with my very conservative parents in a very overwhelmingly conservative country. I had a short but neutral haircut for some time, cutting it a bit shorter every next time my hair was due for a new cut. I came out to my two close friends. They took it fairly well but they misgendered me and deadnamed me more than not, but those were the only times I got correctly gendered at the time. Slowly but surely I was carving out a space for myself, my real self into the world. I slowly started only wearing clothes that made me comfortable, I seeked out trans men online, seeing their stories and journeys. I started openly existing as male in online spaces (while having blocked any irl contacts that knew me), I started working out despite finding it frustrating that the results I was getting would've been so much faster were I to be already on T. I almost got kicked out of the house for buying clothes that were deemed "too masculine". Eventually I changed my name and handle on all my social media accounts, even the ones that had people from my everyday life. I cut my hair in a short masculine style, the one I've always dreamed of having, I still have that haircut even now. I started introducing myself to new people as a man and I've become a lot more selective with who I keep as company, making sure the friends and connections I keep and value are all people that see me as me and treat me and accept me as a man. I long to finally start testosterone and surgeries are something even more distant than that right now, I don't know when I will be able to start T but seeking out online transmasculine communities and communities for trans men and reading books from other trans men (especially Lou Sullivan's Diaries "We Both Laughed In Pleasure" and Elliott DeLine's "Refuse") give me a reassurance and strength to persevere despite everything. We've always existed and as long as humanity exists we will as well.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Absolutely, with every gender affirming change I make, I feel more comfortable in my own skin, when I look back I wonder how on earth was I even able to stand it that long, how could I live a reality co wrong, so false, so uncomfortable and away from what I am.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

You're not wrong. You're not a freak. You're not undesirable. You're not fucked up or delusional, and you belong on this planet and you deserve to live a content life comfortable in your own skin as much as everyone else. You're a man and you've always been one, no law or hatred or bigotry will ever change that.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Every trans person will have their own unique experience, shaped by so many factors. It's okay if your journey doesn't look like the ones you've seen online or in real life. Your own way of understanding and talking about your experiences is valuable and as real and important as other people's. In part what made it so much harder for me to realise I'm trans was that I felt like my experience didn't match any of the ones I saw at the time. Now I realise that not only was my experience quite similar to many men, some even that lived way before I was even born, but that in all the ways that my story differs from other stories, they're all equally important and real and valid.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.