Max, United States (he/they)

“My past is as a woman, my future is as a man."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

Being an elder millennial with strong Gen-X influences, “transgender” wasn’t a word I grew up with. I figured from a young age that I was made a girl during this lifetime and therefore, out of luck. I have idolized men and mens’s aesthetics since before I could form full sentences. It wasn’t until my 30s that I began to research transgender identity, and was finally able to give how I felt a name.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I began making social changes at my job when I was 37, I introduced myself as “they/them.” While I identify as a trans man, this pronoun shift has allowed me to ease into an unfamiliar identity. At 38, I began taking testosterone and I’ve been on it for just over a year. I have plans for top surgery in the future, when time off from my job is possible.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

These changes have made some things much more comfortable, and others not so much. I feel better about my decisions in life - not just via transition - and have adopted an attitude of “fuck it” if others don’t support me. My patience for mental and emotional discomfort has gotten a lot lower. I feel closer to what an ideal me would look like. However, things like navigating the dating pool have been a nightmare. I’m aging, I’m recent to my transition journey, and I certainly don’t “pass” with any regularity. This doesn’t bother me as much as it seems to bother others! Potential romantic partners seem to find it difficult to relate to someone who is not quite a woman, but not totally a man either. I’m not unhappy with my journey, but it can be isolating.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

There is nothing I would do differently because circumstances like family of origin, financial hardship, and other social factors prevented me from transitioning sooner - rather than the other way around. I would listen to my younger self, rather than try and tell him anything.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

I find myself and my relationship to transness very different than what many younger people seem to experience. I work in the educational field, and it is common for younger people to ask “What pronouns do you use?” This is really amazing to me, because that is a level of social acceptance that I never had growing up. However, as accepting as younger people are of gender differences, I find myself having to explain that coming out as trans in your late 30s, after a marriage, life in the suburbs, career…it’s a very different beast. My past is as a woman, my future is as a man. But my present will always be a combination of the social and cultural mix of both. Being a trans man will never un-socialize me as a woman. But at this vantage point, I can see the advantages and disadvantages to both. I tell people that being trans is sort of like having a crystal ball: you see things you wouldn’t otherwise see.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.