Miska, Finland (he/him)

“I wish I'd known some of what I know now. I wish I'd been louder about it, more visible, even if it would've gotten me hurt. I wish I'd lived harder."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

It was weird, for me — being autistic and in many ways in my own head my entire life, I'd never really considered "girl" meaning anything regarding me but something I had to cross out on forms until others around me made it my problem. If you'd asked me my gender, earnestly and one-on-one, I would've answered "wolf" far past the "acceptable" age. Finland had a large community around comic diary blogs when I was a kid that's since fizzled out, but I was following multiple transmasc artists on there and they were the ones I was most drawn to, even though most of them didn't even speak on it directly much. I must've been around 13 when something finally clicked. Even then, I'd been presenting myself as "genderless" online for years and frequently got upset when people "corrected" their assumptions of me being a man far before I was aware of anything.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I started going by a different name and pronouns at around 13 online, came out around 16, and legally changed my name in 2021, after turning 18. I'm nearing a decade on trying to enter the official transition process with no luck. In 2023, I got lucky and managed to get on HRT through other legal means for a brief while.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

HRT saved my life. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't gotten lucky, no thanks to Finland's gender clinics.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

Bluntly put, I'm not sure. I lived in a small country town with no friends — no, not even those mythological "every LGBT+ person accidentally surrounds themself with LGBT+ people no matter where they grow up" friends — no openly gay people and nothing in the way of support. Everything was miles away, you walked to mandatory church with your entire class, when you were bullied for being gay the teachers agreed with the bullies. My first therapist brought up conversion therapy as an option. It isn't that I was at odds with myself, it was that everyone else was — even though I didn't even know what that "myself" was, precisely. People had been clocking me as queer since preschool. I guess I wish I'd known some of what I know now. I wish I'd been louder about it, more visible, even if it would've gotten me hurt. I wish I'd lived harder.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

I wish, I wish, I wish trans people who've lived in relative support, who've lived in more accepting places, remembered that that isn't universal. Trying to find resources, support, some sort of help online as a kid — in English, because that's what words I had — every response I got amounted to "well just go transition and find groups, silly" or "just move out of your shit town." Finland's transition policies mean I might never get to transition more than I've managed to, and I can't afford the options. I can't overstate how frustrating it was and is, trying to discuss the inaccessibility of transition and being told I'm the only one in my way. I still live in what people refer to as "the Bible Belt of Finland" — and Finland is still far easier of a place live in than so, so many others.

Still, coming from a place deemed "bad for us," even as one of us, to a safe place further away, you tend to get looked down at, as if I'll somehow spread the bigotry and isolation to the good place. I feel as if I have to prove and assure my loneliness isn't contagious, and even though it might kill me, it won't kill the ones who've made it out. Some of us live in the bad places, too, some of us can't escape and some of us have family and loved ones here.

It took me a longer time to accept that I wasn't doomed and utterly lost regarding being stuck in a close-minded part of the country alone than it did that I was trans. I wish my siblings didn't look at me like filth, peeking my head out of the wringer.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.