Nathan, United States (he/him)

“All that anger and fear you feel will one day be peace and happiness."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

Growing up, I don’t think I was ever a girl. Genderless, maybe, but not a girl. I never thought of gender and only realized that I was going to go through “female puberty” when it actually happened. I was around 8 or 9. I remember spending an entire day at school with my arms crossed over my chest trying to hide the fact that it was growing. I refused any bras until I realized sports bras made me flatter. I was only vaguely aware of the trans label and it wasn’t like those stories where a person learns what being trans is and everything fits, but I instead had it in my mind at all times. I was obsessed with any trans character I could find and passed myself off as an ally. At that point, I became giddy thinking of myself as a boy and when I was 11, I realized I could be. I distinctly remember being so overwhelmingly happy for a good few seconds trying out mentally referring to myself as male. That was the exact moment I realized I wanted to be and was a boy.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I first used the genderfluid label because I was afraid of letting my mom down, even if she had no idea. Eventually I realized was only ever using he/him pronouns and decided to let my close friends know I was a binary trans guy. This was the first time I had really told anyone and they were all, fortunately, supportive. I count this as a rather big change for me early on. At 14, my mom found out and although it took a while for her to see me as her son, she told me all my behavior as a child suddenly made sense. She’s my biggest supporter to this day. I started testosterone a few months after that and got top surgery at 15.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

They’ve done so much more than that. It’s not just comfort I feel, but happiness. I can get through problems I face without as much anger and fear as I used to have. I’m not an angry person anymore. I’m happy and I actually have hobbies now lmao. I enjoy going out and making new friends, and I look forward to each new day. I don’t cry at night anymore. In summary, it feels like I actually have a future now rather than the void I used to feel at imagining a future me. Dysphoria hasn’t disappeared completely, it still shows up now and again, but I feel confident in myself. It’s easier to overcome now.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I would tell my younger self that it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be more than okay, actually. Mom isn’t going to kick you out when she finds out and you’re going to be the boy you’ve always known yourself to be. You’re going to get to grow up into a man. All that anger and fear you feel will one day be peace and happiness. You’re going to be just fine. The only thing I would do differently is to not let transphobia I see online weigh on me so heavily.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Misinformation is not the truth. The stuff you see transphobes saying online comes from the mouths of those who are uneducated in what they’re saying. Trans people have been around for as long as we’ve existed and we are certainly no more ‘sensitive’ than we were a hundred years ago. Science supports trans people, history supports trans people, psychology supports trans people, statistics support trans people, biology supports trans people. Don’t let the ignorance of others define you.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.