Scott, United States (he/him)

“Don't beat yourself up for not being able to be where you wanna be now. Everyone has a different journey."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

The onset of first puberty made me realize something was off. I always had a feeling of something about myself being off, however, I couldn't put a name to it. Earlier childhood constantly felt as if I was given a part in a play that I didn't have the lines memorized for; I knew certain things were expected of me (Childbearing, making myself smaller for the comfort of others, a heterosexual marriage, the glizt, the glamor, etc) yet I always felt like it wasn't right. By the time I had reached 13, I felt like a complete Girl Failure. I knew I did not fit in the Box that my family and community around me wanted me in. Attempts to cull these emotions came between late middle school and early high school, I would insist that "I'm not like other girls" as a method to get people to like me but also as a way for me to lie to myself. "No, no, no, I can't be transgender- I'm just an alternative, quirky, androgynous girl who doesn't do Girly things". I gave it one last go; so no one could tell me that I didn't at least try with the whole "being a girl" thing.

This little plan of mine did not last very long, for I was utterly miserable the entire time. I became so miserable, in fact, that I made plans to end my own life. I was calling hotlines, making plans for the event itself, and overall just felt a weight of tiredness and dread that I seemingly could never shake off.

But I didn't end up taking my life then, I was close but I ended up talking myself out of it. I talked myself out of it under the notion of "what if we gave it one more try? What if we try love and life again, but this time, the way we wanted from the beginning?"

And at the age of 16, I finally started life.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

Physical changes could not come to me as quickly as I would have wanted; by the time I came out, my homelife was incredibly heavy with abuse and neglect. Asking for anything was met with anger and belittlement, so you can imagine how it went when I asked my grandmother for a short "Pixie-style" haircut.

It was not safe for me to be open at home, so I would only bind and go by my name at school and with close friends. I didn't bloom into myself really until I had started college, the literal first night I moved I immediately went to get a haircut. I was so overjoyed that I didn't need to hid and alter myself for others, that I could FINALLY go outside without a beanie on.

I used college as my ticket into jumpstarting my medical transition. There was no way I would be able to start HRT at my family home, but since I was literal hours away and living as an adult, there was NOTHING they could do to stop me. (Plus, it was notably easier to transition in a space where everyone only knows you as YOU). I had started with daily t gel in May of 2019, just before my 19th birthday. It gave slow, but gradual changes. It worked in my benefit because by the time my family members had even noticed the changes, I was already months in.

Testosterone gel was a good first step for me, however, I wasn't completely satisfied. I wanted the changes more immediately, I wanted to blend in without looking so much like a teenage boy. So I make the switch to injections, started in the thighs but now in the tummy, and it has been bliss ever since.

Being on HRT and starting it for the first time felt like watching the process of taking a lump of clay and it being molded and craved into a great work of art. The physical metamorphosis is the closest thing to living, breathing magic I have ever experienced. It feels like falling asleep or falling in love; it happens slowly. And then all at once.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

There were years of my childhood where I would actively avoid mirrors. They felt rude and unkind, most likely because I was always negatively speaking to myself when viewing them. There was this particular slim mirror that stood in the hallway of my grandparent's home; it was taller than it was wide and I remembered cursing myself because I was too wide to be fully seen in the mirror. I was 15 and 120 pounds.

Now, whenever I look in a mirror I could get lost for hours. I look at myself and marvel, I get giddy when I see how my facial hair comes in. I beam a great smile when I catch a glace of my upper back muscles. I giggle with glee as I see hairs sprouting on my ears. One of the changes that give me the most joy is my arm hair. I know, I know, it isn't the most prominent change and doesn't get highlighted much but-

The feeling I received when I looked down one day and noticed that my arm hair had grown and inched its way up to the face of my hands? That is a feeling that I will hold closely to me, in my heart, until I leave this Earth.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

Do not watch Kalvin Garrah.
Or really, don't listen to transmedicalist talking points. They only cartor towards the people who hate you the most and you will actually never get any safety in being "one of the Good Trans People. You will get further by making company with those who had historically always had the back of you and people like you.

Don't beat yourself up for not being able to be where you wanna be now. Everyone has a different journey, you will get to the stages and goals you want so desperately. I promise! Just hang tight.

Keep your back straight.

Keep your chin up.

Keep fighting like Hell.

The moment you stop fighting is the moment they win.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

Connecting with other trans people is a blessing and saves lives. Having a friend who has lived your experiences will 100% make this process sooooooo much easier.
I know a lot of guys feel like they need to be Lone Wolves and that this is a journey a man makes by himself, BUT that's a bunch of toxic masculinity bullshit! Your brothers, sisters, and siblings want you to talk about your experiences and they want you around!! Embrace them with loving arms.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.