Rey, United States (he/him)

“We're just people. We're not scary. We're your coworkers, your friends, and maybe even your family members."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

It was definitely a gradual realization, but I didn't really figure it all out until I was about 35 years old. Before that I had always thought I was just 'bad at being a woman' and 'one of the guys' but I'd settled into the role of butch lesbian and while I was feeling a growing dysphoria, I just sort of accepted that because I'd spent so much of my life being uncomfortable with my body that I didn't really think of that as abnormal. Looking back, I very much identified with boys/men and masculine behaviors from a very early age, really as far back as I can remember, but I didn't really know anything about transgender people, or that it was even an option. Learning from younger people that there were real physical changes with hormone therapy and that it was possible I could truly be seen as a man was the major turning point, for me.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

It took me about a year of working with doctors before I was able to start on T (I had high blood pressure and a thyroid issue to sort out first), but over that year I slowly came out to friends and family and forewarned them that physical changes were coming. It wasn't really a big lifestyle change for me, though. I experimented with binding some but my wardrobe was already a very masculine one for decades before that. After about a year on T I got married, in a suit, and that was sort of the last step of fully presenting to everybody as a man, officially. Of course I stopped shaving after my wedding in an attempt to grow my first beard, and I was so proud of my scruffy little facefuzz and looking back at the photos now I look like an awkward teenager then.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Absolutely. I have full passing privilege, a pretty decent beard, and a little over a year ago I finally had top surgery (after close to a decade on T). I'm a little out of shape as I'm now hitting middle-aged, but that honestly doesn't bother me. The out of shape that I am is a masculine shape, and that's what matters to me. I was able to finally grow out my hair long again without it being seen as feminine (the beard game has drastically improved with time). I had a weird kind of mild phobia of mirrors for most of my life, and one day I looked in the mirror and the face I saw was truly mine, and overnight that phobia vanished. I'd never realized before it was because of this mental disconnect; if the mirror lied to me about my own face who knew what else it could show? Now I look in the mirror every day and see truth, and I'm so happy with the man I've become.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I've thought about this before and my one reservation about changing the past is that I met the love of my life and I wouldn't want to put that at risk. But apart from that, how amazing would it have been to truly know myself decades earlier? To have freely dated girls in high school, and gone to prom in a tux? I do wish I'd gotten those experiences, and skipped the decades of painful periods and quietly growing dysphoria. If I had known earlier in life that I had the option to take hormones and live my life as a man, I know I would have grabbed that opportunity if I could.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

In the current political environment, being trans is clearly a risky thing. It bothers me a little that my timing was so bad- within just a few years of discovering what it was to be transgender, people like me suddenly became a political talking point. Does that make me wish I weren't trans? No. I don't even regret my history as being raised as a woman, because I do feel like those experiences have made me into a better man.

Knowing what women go through has given me empathy and understanding, qualities that I think our country could really benefit from. I have no plans to go back in the closet. I've never even been in the closet, because I've had the support that allows me to be public about who I am and hopefully educate some of the people I've met along the way. We're just people. We're not scary. We're your coworkers, your friends, and maybe even your family members. We've always been here, and we always will be.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.