Tom, United States (he/him)

“I hope my story makes it clear that time doesn’t “fix it” and people don’t “grow out of” essential qualities about themselves."

Was there a definitive moment you realized you were trans? How old were you?

I was 46 when I came out, but started telling my parents (and apparently anyone else who would listen) that I was a boy by age 2. They all told me I wasn’t, but my awareness of feeling like it and wishing that others saw me as a boy never went away. People would accept that I was a “tomboy”, which I understood as “basically a boy, as long as you said you were a girl if asked and let other people go along thinking that.” I went along with that for 44 years, going from “tomboy” to “masculine woman” and just avoiding experiences that required me to adhere to a feminine role (no being a girlfriend or wife). As long as I could stay busy with gender neutral activities, I could try not feel it too much. I didn’t have a mental framework to understand it, so that was the best I could do until I found out there was a name for it (transgender) and a promising treatment to relieve the dysphoria (transitioning). Once I knew about trans people, it took me a while to realize that my experiences fit that description, but once I put two and two together and got four, I couldn’t unknow it.

How soon after did you start to make changes? What were these changes?

I started transitioning at 46. I had been questioning whether I was trans, or “trans enough” to transition for several years, before I decided to do it. When I decided transitioning was the best option to move forward with my life, I started hormones, scheduled top surgery, planned legal name and gender changes, planned to change my job site so no one knew me “from before”, and then came out to my family and the few people I hoped would be willing to stay in my life.

Have these changes started to make you feel more comfortable in your life and body?

Getting top surgery was the best thing ever. I had hated those things since they started growing on me. I had hoped they never would, even when people told me it was inevitable. I dragged them around for decades, trying to hide them, hating them. To wake up free of them was glorious. Everyday I see my chest looking right, my clothes fitting the way they should and am happy. Hormone changes have taken longer, but it’s a beautiful thing to see your face and body in the mirror and love it. Being treated as “sir” and “bro” and “Mr” and “dad” in life is like getting little boosts of joy throughout the day. I am definitely happier and more comfortable in my life and body now.

What would you tell your younger self? Would you do anything differently?

I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and start earlier. I would also give my younger self stock tips so I could afford transition for myself and to help others with theirs, since insurance is such a rat about helping with anything.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?

There is a current wave of pushback against trans identities, since more people have become widely aware of them. I hope my story makes it clear that time doesn’t “fix it” and people don’t “grow out of” essential qualities about themselves. There is no “getting used to” being someone you’re not. I couldn’t manage it in 44 years of trying. I’m glad I have had the chance to try another, better way. I hope small-minded cis people finding gender transition a “weird” or “uncomfortable” thing doesn’t result in it being denied to people who would benefit from it.

Have the gender-affirming steps you’ve taken impacted your overall happiness and sense of well-being?

Yes.